


Nights

by Baby_babushka



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Ben-centric, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Force Bond, Hurt and comfort, Kylo Ren's POV, Redemption, Reylo - Freeform, Sharing a Bed, Smut, Soft boi Ben, a lot of crying to be honest, ben solo's POV, canon character death, forcetime, honestly it's a really long character study of him, virgins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-04-23 14:37:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14334591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baby_babushka/pseuds/Baby_babushka
Summary: -The last Jedi missed the Jedi Killer. If the tone of the conversation was lighter, he would have chuckled. But this was not the time or place for that. This was something sacred, these dark nights when they touched. He wouldn’t dare violate this. These encounters were holy trysts of honesty.-The Force Bond remains unbroken, unlike Ben and Rey.





	1. Chapter 1

The first time it happened, he was exhausted. Another stressful day under his wide belt, and the circles under his eyes were as dark as ever. Kylo Ren was tired. Nothing helped. Over the years, he had tried many different ways to find rest or stay awake. Caff made him feel sick, energy pills made his memory absolutely atrocious, and no method could keep him from feeling tired. Calming teas didn’t work, exercise could never wear him out, not even the joys of boring meetings with Hux could make him nod off. 

Slipping into his quarters to end his day, he decided to give in. He would try and sleep tonight. How long had it been? Two...three days. Four? He couldn’t remember. He set the data pad he had been holding on his desk before retreating into the ‘fresher.

Stripping himself from his black robes and tunic, he stepped into the polished obsidian shower, dipping his head under the steaming spray. Hanging his head, he watched the hot water drip from his hair and down the drain. It was one of the only times he let his guard down. Slowly, the tight muscles in his back began to unwind under the steaming spray. His newest training injuries stung under the water, but he paid them no mind. It would make him stronger. Or so he told himself.

Lathering himself with his favorite body wash, he bathed himself. Smelling the soft scent of the soap, he couldn’t help but think of her. It reminded him of...

**No.** He shouldn’t think about the scavenger. He hadn’t seen her in months. He had too much to think about already. But she would always creep into his mind, like an itch he couldn’t scratch. A strangely welcome itch.

After washing his hair, he turned off the water and dried himself off before putting on his sleeping trousers. He brushed his teeth, watching himself in the lightly fogged mirror. It was agonizingly mundane. Supreme Leader Kylo Ren. Brushing his teeth. He bit back a scoff as he rinsed his mouth and headed to bed.

Standing for a moment, he considered the piece of furniture. Did he really need to sleep? Or was his mind playing tricks on him? Surely he had better things to do; he could look over reports from Mitaka or organize a network of officers to spy on Hux, who was no doubt scheming a coup.  **No.** He needed to sleep. Last time he went this long he started hallucinating. And he hated every second of that. Crawling hesitantly under the sheets, he settled into the hard mattress with a groan.

Kylo Ren gave in for the second time that night, and reached over to the side panel and adjusted the softness of the mattress to his liking. He rarely did this, opting for a firmer bed in order to keep him in a lighter sleep, ready to fight. He hated to think of the reason behind it. A bright green blade danced across his vision, and falling cross beams.  **No.** He would not think of him tonight. He needed to rest.

He drifted in and out of consciousness as he watched the darkness of space drift by through the nearby window, before finally settling into an a uneasy rest, plagued with images and sounds he couldn’t bear. Her scream as he ignites his blade through her kneeling body, his hands stained in her blood, his old master’s cackle at his weakness. His mother, arguing and shouting behind a closed door with his father. Monster, monster, monster, MONSTER!

He awoke with a jolt, and sat up, reaching for his saber. The hilt flew into his waiting hand as he ignited it. But he wasn’t alone. He swung the crackling crimson blade towards the intruder, and his breath caught in his chest.

She was there. Rey’s face was cast in red, along with the rest of his room, and her eyes were glistening with fear. Without a second thought, he extinguished the blade, plunging them both back into darkness. He turned on a small light with the flick of his wrist, and he was able to finally see her more clearly. She was sitting on his bed, a blanket around her shoulders. But she was holding his sheets.

“What are you doing here?” He asked quietly, knowing full well she had no more control over the bond than he did. She didn’t reply, but stared at him with something he couldn’t place.

“Your nightmares…” she said. “...are they always like that?”

He could see now that her eyes were glistening with unshed tears, not fear , and he could barely stop himself from caressing her cheek and catching them as they fell.

“Most of the time,” he admitted, leaning against the headboard, realizing this was the second time she had seen him without a shirt. He considered pulling his sheets up to cover himself, but her eyes never left his.  _ She didn’t mind it. _

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked quietly, settling into the bed a bit more. He swallowed. He had only ever told his mother about his dreams, and that was such a long time ago, when he was young. “Ben. I know it can help to...to talk about it.” She was so unsure, but her eyes held something warm and caring he couldn’t resist. She called him  _ Ben _ .

Ben Solo gave in for the third time that night. He gave a small nod and she joined him, sitting against the wall, shoulders almost touching. He could feel the heat coming off of her skin. He shivered.

“I killed you,” he confessed, fidgeting with his fingers, desperately wanting to touch her again. “In the throne room. And...I saw my parents.” She nodded for him to continue. He looked down as he spoke. “They fought a lot about me. They could never agree what to do with me. They thought I was a monster. They were afraid of me.” His voice had grown quiet and strained, fighting back tears.

“I’m sure they didn’t think of you like that,” she said, trying to comfort him. He looked her in the eye with a pained look before she continued. “But I’m so sorry you think that. That you were led to believe that.  _ They love you _ .”

He swallowed again, his throat bobbing forcibly. He turned his head away in shame as the tears started to fall. Force, why did he always cry around her? But he remained silent. Trembling.

“Ben. Ben,” she urged. “Look at me.” Her hand touched his shoulder. He obeyed, and her beautiful eyes filled with sympathy. “You’re not a monster.”

“How can you even say that?” He asked, dumbfounded. “You know the things I’ve done, you’ve even called me-“

“I know what you’ve done. And I know what I’ve called you. But I was rash, too quick to see  _ you _ .” She raised a hand to his cheek. “The  _ real you _ .”

For the first time in a long time, Ben was speechless.  _ She was right. _ During the silence, he basked in the warm feeling of her hand.

“I...am starting to understand why you did what you did. It doesn’t make it right, but...”

His jaw tightened.  _ She was right. _

“You were manipulated. Twisted into something you were never meant to be. You were preyed on, exploited by a terrible creature. But you resisted all along the way...how long...how long could you hear him?” her voice was wavering now, and he knew she could see what Snoke had done to him.

“I don’t know,” he answered quietly.

“That is the first lie you’ve ever told me.”

He hesitated, but settled into the sheets a little further, seeking comfort. 

“As long as I can remember.”

“You’re free now. You have the final say in your life. You deserve that freedom,” she said, a tinge of sadness to her voice. Her hand slowly intertwined with his, and he could tell she was thinking about her days as a slave...or a scavenger, as he had called it.

“So do you.”

They both paused. With every meeting, something would change between them. This was no exception. They both knew the subtext. They were free to choose. But who would give in?

“Would you like some company? I can’t seem to close the connection and sometimes having someone nearby can help-“

“Yes,” he cut her off, embarrassingly eager. “I’d...I'd like that.”

She then made her way under his covers, not meeting his dark eyes. He caught a glimpse of her clothes, a simple shirt and some trousers. He too settled under the sheets, facing the ceiling as she laid on her side. They hadn’t been this close in a long time.

_ She was right. _ It did help. Her presence was calming, her weight beside him welcome and appreciated. But there was something more, a powerful peace he only felt around her

He quickly fell asleep, their bodies shifting towards each other, feeling the other’s body heat.

He awoke some time in the night, dazed and blissful. There was a weight on him. What…

She had curled herself around him, and he her. Facing each other, legs tangled, arms across shoulders and along backs, her head tucked against his neck. She was snoring softly. He nuzzled closer before falling asleep once more.

The sheets were tousled but empty when he awoke. She was gone. His comm chirped. 83 messages. He answered the most recent, which just so happened to be from his least favorite red-haired General.

“What is it?” He asked, voice hoarse from the best sleep he had experienced in a very long time.

“It’s about damn time,” Hux drawled in his Corocaunti accent. “I’ve been comming you all day.”

“What do you mean? I was sleeping. You know full well not to disturb me during my personal time.” He was beginning to grow annoyed, a familiar headache edging into his skull.

“Supreme Leader,” he continued. “I hardly think you have reason to draw your personal time out this long, sir.”

He looked at the nearby chrono. He blinked a few times. He had been asleep for nearly 20 standard hours.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


In the next few weeks, she would appear in his bed, whether or not he tried to sleep. The nights were uneventful, but he treasured every moment he could scrape up with her. They talked about anything, anything but the war. What bland rations she was enthusiastic to eat, conversations with a girl named Rose while repairing the Falcon. He could almost welcome the thought of the Millenium Falcon, if Rey was there with it. They stole embraces, small touches. Comfort. They both knew how much they needed it. He knew this was wrong, meeting his enemy in private like this. But now he looks forward to it, yearning for her soothing presence. Gods, he was so selfish. He felt like a parasite sometimes, drinking in her light as if he hadn’t felt water touch his lips in years. He felt guilty most of the time. Ashamed.

He rarely spoke those nights. He just loved to hear her voice. But whenever she asked him something, he would answer it.

“Where are you from?” She asked one night.

“Chandrila.”

“Is it nice?”

“I think so,” he answered.

“Favorite color? Don’t say black,” she asked another night.

“I don’t really have a preference.”

“Come on, you’ve got to have a favorite. Everybody does.”

“Blue, I guess.”

“Favorite food?”

“Star salmon. They’re native to Ryloth”

“What was it like at the Jedi Academy?”

“Quiet. And boring.”

“Why are you always shirtless?”

“I spend my days suffocating in my clothes. It’s nice to just...breathe.”

“Do you have a hobby? Brooding doesn’t count.”

“I used to do calligraphy.”

“What’s that?”

“Handwriting...but more artistic.”

“Why’d you stop?”

He didn’t answer that.

“Snoke?”

He shook his head. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words could come out. He couldn’t explain it. Not with words. Instead, he took her hand in his and relived a memory with her. 

 

**Ben Solo, alone, practicing his calligraphy in his hut, addressing a letter to his mother. Every month, he would send a handwritten note to her.**

**Sometimes she would respond. But her own letters started to dwindle. The Resistance. She was with the Resistance. Too busy to talk to her own son, who she sent away years ago.**

**He started crying himself to sleep. He learned how to be quiet. But he would indulge himself on dark, stormy nights, when the rain pelted the roof. Oh, how he would cry.**

**He should have thrown out the calligraphy set, set it aflame in a lonely rage, smashed it against the walls, thrown it into the river, anything, anything, ANYTHING. But he held onto it.** **_Look at how she failed you. Look at how they all failed you. Look at it. Look at it._ **

 

She hugged him tighter than she ever had before. He tried his hardest not to shudder with tears. He had been so isolated, so concealed for so long, but now, now she was pulling back the veil, tearing it in two, exposing his broken soul. She told him to let it out. 

He did.

 

After talking, and if he wanted to try and sleep, they would usually find themselves entangled in each other. It had been so long since he was touched without the intent of pain or harm. But now he could welcome her touch, the feeling of her soft skin on his. And look at her when she inevitably fell asleep before him. He memorized the freckles on her shoulders and speckled across her nose and cheeks. He committed her small, scattered scars to memory, and the rising and falling of her chest against his.

He no longer failed to rest when she was in his arms.

But she was always gone when he awoke, her scent on his sheets and her memory staining him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love a slow burn as much as the next person, but writing it is a pain, so things really start to escalate.
> 
> Almost smut?

He hadn’t seen or felt her in a week. He paced the floors of his quarters so much he was surprised he hadn’t made a dent in the polished durasteel. Hux was as irritating and ruthless as ever, and the demands of leading the First Order weighed heavily on the inexperienced Supreme Leader’s shoulders.

I might be stupid, Ben thought. Stupid to think it would happen again. She had shut him out on Crait nearly a year ago now, did those nights really change anything? Or was it just a moment of weakness for both of them? Surely he could survive without her, he had done it for decades. Why would this week be any different?

I’m fine, he told himself. I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong. I shouldn’t be worried. But he was.

In the week without her, he had fallen into a new routine. He would try and sleep every night, yearning for her to visit, give him a fleeting touch or some softly spoken words. Sometimes he was successful in sleeping. Most of the time, he laid awake, itching to reach across the bond and graze her consciousness, to try and draw her back to him. But he never did. It felt more invasive the more he thought about it. So he would lay there for hours, wide awake but exhausted, staring at the ceiling, stunned by the silence.

Ever since that fateful day, fighting back to back with Rey, his mind was abnormally quiet. The now empty void of Snoke’s presence was haunting. Every waking thought was in fear of him, of his wrath or disappointment. But now he was gone, cut down by the legacy saber. What should Ben be afraid of now?

The first conversation with her had been jarring but welcomed. But now...now he was questioning everything. Every action was now in question, every mistake and every decision. How far did Snoke’s manipulation run? Who even was he?

The sounds of the star destroyer became muffled, his ears popped and then there was a weight beside him. He wished he could jolt up, pull her close, but he knew he shouldn’t be so eager.

“I didn’t expect this to happen again,” she remarked, turning towards him. He swiveled his head to look at her, and she was smiling softly. The faint blue light of hyperspace danced across her skin. She looked angelic. “I never do. But I’m glad it did.”

“Me too,” he replied quietly. She gently laid out a hand near him, and he paused before resting his own on top of hers, shifting closer to her soft form. The contact sent a wave of peace and a strangely warm feeling through them both, and Ben couldn’t help but close his eyes, relishing the sensation. When he reopened them, he was met with a look in Rey’s eyes that he had never seen before. Something raw, something hungry. His heart began to pound in his chest and he swallowed nervously.

“I know I shouldn’t, but...I miss you,” she whispered, her eyes sparkling with conflict. He reached out his other hand and caressed her cheek, which she leaned into. The last Jedi missed the Jedi Killer. If the tone of the conversation was lighter, he would have chuckled. But this was not the time or place for that. This was something sacred, these dark nights when they touched. He wouldn’t dare violate this. These encounters were holy trysts of honesty. Away from the war, in an alcove created by the Force. Maker, this was wrong. She was his enemy, and he hers. But they kept finding each other in the night.

“I miss you too...more than you know. But...then why did you leave?” It wasn’t hateful, or said with scorn. He was curious. He had been asking himself that question for months. Why did she reject him, shut him out? But he knew the answer. He just didn’t want to admit it.

“You know why.”

“Maybe I do,” he mused quietly. He twirled a stray lock of her hair between his fingers, observing the softness. “But I need to hear it from you.”

“I…” she sighed before continuing. “I was afraid. Scared that if I stayed I would never leave, or want to leave. I was scared that whatever is happening between us will grow and consume me. And that terrifies me. I don’t want to be changed...or controlled.”

He nodded slowly. Her fiery spirit was one that could never be tamed, never be snuffed out. Ben knew that better than anyone else, bearing the mark of her fury and freedom across his face and chest.

“And I couldn’t abandon my friends. They’re the only family I’ve ever known, and I can’t leave them. I know how you feel about the Resistance.”

He scowled, a memory brushing across his mind. Leia...leaving...again.

“They...I know they hurt you...unintentionally. I understand that. I hope you know that  _ I understand _ . But I can’t leave. Not now anyway.”

That last addition made his already thundering heart stutter in its cage. Her eyes were glimmering with unshed tears and something that terrified him. He didn’t want to name it.

“Ben?” she asked. He hasn’t responded to her last statement. The air grew thick with anticipation, their breath intermingling. He was paralyzed. Was she really considering staying after their fight with Snoke’s guards? Did she want...to stay with him?

“Rey, I-“ he started, but was cut off by something unfamiliar, something thrilling. She gently pressed her lips to his, soft and tender. There was an electric sensation where their skin touched. He yearned for more, more, more, anything he could. Before he could react, she pulled away, her cheeks flushed and her eyes filled with liquid heat. She was stunning. If his heart was thundering before, it felt as if it would shatter from its own chaotic rhythm now. She...she  _ wanted _ him.  _ She kissed him. She was his first. _

He desperately reached for her, but his hands only clasped empty air. His sheets were cold.

_ She was gone. _ Clenching his fists, he screamed.

 

He would not sleep that night.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


The next time it happened, it was a blessing. Another two weeks since he saw her last through the Force. The last, although brief, meeting was haunting him day and night. Was it even real? Or did he dream it?

It was a dream, he told himself. Just a dream. It doesn’t mean anything. Why would she ever want you, or even care about you? You’re nothing to her. 

That was a lie.

He was up late that night, his bare chest glistening with sweat as he sparred and trained. Around him, smoking husks of battle droids, and the scent of burning circuits. The pent up energy inside Ben’s chest would not relent. A thrumming, burning wave of feelings tingled his skin. Maybe training in his private gym could exhaust it. But no, now his limbs ached from exertion, but the energy remained. Unlit saber in hand, he sighed.

_ Damn. _

Retreating into his quarters, he reluctantly decided to try and sleep tonight. After an almost painfully cold shower, he crawled under his sheets, praying to whatever deity was on duty tonight that they would let him sleep for once.

The Force around him shuddered. Heart beating faster, he snapped his head around, hoping the Force would bless him with-

The air quieted. She was there, in his bed. Her back was towards him, but she turned around as soon as the connection was fully in place.

“Rey,” he breathed. No matter how many times he saw her, she left him breathless, his insides churning, churning for...something. He didn’t know what. She struggled to meet his eyes before responding.

“Where have you been?” She asked, her eyes darting across his toned chest before settling on his dark, stormy eyes.

“I should ask you the same thing,” he replied, reaching for her, trying to pull her close. But she wouldn’t shuffle closer. “The Force hasn’t always been very reliable with this.” She nodded in agreement. She looked nervous, on edge. 

“Ben...I, I just wanted to apologize for last time,” she stammered as he moved closer. He furrowed his brow. She hadn’t done anything wrong. She hadn’t said anything wrong. “I’m sorry if...if I was too...”

“What are you talking about?” He asked. Surely she couldn’t think that...“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

They both paused. A slight blush rose to her cheeks.

“I didn’t?”

“No,” he replied, setting a large hand on her shoulder, trying to comfort her. She seemed flustered.

“I’d never really done it before. But you...you liked it?”

“Yes, I-“

She lurched, wrapping her arms around his neck and locking her lips with his. His eyes widened. His whole body went stiff, and his face became uncomfortably hot. She pulled away after a few moments, and they were both breathless.

“I’m…” he swallowed. “I’m confused.”

The blush staining her cheeks intensified, and a look of horror crossed her delicate features. Why would she..what did she...oh. Oh.

“Oh!” He exclaimed. He almost hit himself in the head for his stupidity. “Oh! You...you meant when…” he gestured between them. 

“Of course that’s what I meant!” She punched him in the arm. “What did you think I meant?!”

“I thought you meant the…sleeping...” he couldn’t continue. He sounded like an idiot. Clearing his throat, he finished the thought. “I thought it was a dream. When we...”

“Kissed?”

“Yes.”

She responded with a peck, and he tried to return it.

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” she said with a small smile. This time, they both leaned in. Eyes closed, their lips brushed each other before being devoured in an open mouthed kiss. Neither had felt a rush like this before, and it left them begging for more. He wrapped his arms around her waist as she weaved her fingers into his hair, pulling lightly, eliciting a beautiful sound from Ben. 

She pulled away and looked at her handiwork. Rey, a scavenger from Jakku, had reduced the Supreme Leader of the First Order to a gasping mess. Hair ruffled, lips red and swollen and eyes dazzling, she had never seen anything more enticing. He heard that thought and blushed even harder if that was possible. The tips of his ears were bright red. 

They slowly interlocked their fingers, and Ben pressed his forehead against hers, closing his eyes with a sigh. He tried to send how he felt as best he could through the bond, how much she meant to him. He felt her smile, which he softly mirrored. 

_ I’ve never seen you smile _ , he heard her think.  _ You should do it more often _ .

His smile widened at that. In return, she pressed kisses against his collarbones, and he gasped. She sent a wave of her emotions towards him...affection, longing, forgiveness, loneliness, the smallest sliver of fear...and…and...

“I know we’re on different sides of a war,” she paused to kiss the scar on his shoulder. “And we haven’t known each other long...but...this feels-“

“Right,” he finished the sentence for her. She looked up at him, and saw his eyes glistening. Cradling her head in his hands, he kissed her. Pulling away, he whispered,”I feel the same way.”

The Force around them shivered with the confessions. A soothingly chaotic energy danced between them, and Rey’s surroundings changed. Much like the night on Ahch-To, she was physically pulled to him. She pressed her small hands against his chest, and they could both feel so much  _ more _ now, unimpeded by light years of space. They gasped at the contact, delightful sensations arcing between their touching skin.

“Ben,” she moaned, pulling herself flush with him. Thoughts echoing in the other’s mind, their consciousnesses intermingled, and Ben felt the most potent rush of arousal from Rey. “Ben...do you-could we?” She stammered. Ben had never done this before, and he suspected that neither had she, but he could be wrong. He was wrong a lot.

_ I need you _ , she thought.

But the thought of her, with him, like  _ that _ , made him feel something. He had only ever felt this as an adolescent, after warm, frantic dreams, and the effects in the morning that he would politely ignore. He had seen a handful of dirty holos, but they never really did anything for him. He saw them more as educational than entertainment. But now, oh, she had awakened him.  _ And she wanted him. All of him. _

“Stars, yes,” he groaned, tightening his grip on her waist. The beautiful friction their minds and bodies created left him straining in his trousers, and her rubbing her thighs together. “I’ve never done this before,” he whispered against her neck, pressing chaste kisses to her soft skin.

“Me neither,” she gasped, weaving her fingers into his locks once more. An image was pushed across the bond, of her alone in her AT-AT, hand at her apex and moaning into the quiet night. The thought made him even harder, if that were possible. “Just...just with myself.”

“You’ve got more experience than me, then,” he replied, licking the shell of her ear. Strangely, they both felt a pull, almost a direction from the Force, from something between them.  _ They wanted the same thing.  _ “I don’t give a damn if we don’t know what we’re doing,” he continued as she gasped against him, tightening her grip on him. “All that matters is it’s you.”

“Touch me, please,” she whispered, looking into his dark eyes, her own darkened with lust. He obeyed, as he always did. The galaxy was at his feet, but he was at hers. He began to touch her sides, inching towards the hem of her shirt. “Just promise me something.”

“Anything,” he urged.

“Come home,” she pleaded. His hands stilled as he listened. “It doesn’t have to be the Resistance, just leave the First Order, let me help you find balance. You don’t have to hurt anymore. Please. If we do this and I know you won’t come back, I don’t know how I’ll be able to live with that.”

“Rey,” he whispered, pressing his forehead against hers. He thought for what felt like an eternity, before replying, his resolve strengthened. He needs her. “I can’t. Not now. If I leave, Hux will terrorize the galaxy. He’s already trying to overthrow me, and push for more attacks on the Resistance. Please just give me time. I’ll need to work from the inside, or leaving will do no more good than staying. I promise I will come back for you. Please. I can’t lose you.”

“You promise?” She asked, looking deeply into his eyes. She found only honesty and...could it be? Her eyes welled with tears.

“I promise,” he whispered before kissing her forehead, wiping her tears away with his thumb. “I’ll come back for you, sweetheart. I promise.”

She lurched, stealing his mouth in a passionate kiss, their tongues dancing across each other as Ben ran his hands under her shirt, caressing her toned stomach and toying with the bottom of her breast band. Slowly, his fingers made their way underneath the cloth, brushing her supple flesh. She gasped and arched into him. They just couldn’t get close enough. Pulling away, she sat up and practically tore off her tunic and breast band, leaving Ben speechless and frozen.

“You’re so beautiful,” he breathed, pulling her back down slowly. Grabbing him by the arm, she pulled him on top of her. Their cores brushed each other, and even through their clothes, it sent shocks of sensation up their spines. “Are you sure about this? Because if we don’t stop now, I don’t know if I’ll be able to,” he groaned into her neck, sucking her pulse point, hands on her hips.

“Yes,” she gasped against him, guiding his hands back to her small, round breasts. He kneaded them hungrily, trailing kisses down her neck. Her chest was practically begging for his kiss. 

He faintly heard a noise. 

Dismissing it, he ran his tongue along the valley between her breasts. The noise again. 

“Ben!” She yelped, as she was shoving him away.  _ She was pushing him away.  _ “Someone’s here,” she whispered, pulling her clothes on haphazardly. She stood from the bed, and looked at him with heartbroken eyes before turning away, saying,”I’m sorry...I’ll see you soon-“

She was gone.

He sat back into the bed.

He was alone, blood still rushing loudly in his ears, his manhood tenting the sheets in shame. His chest hurt and felt tight. He refused to let the tears fall.

He failed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emotional SMUT y'all

He was alone, alone with the darkest thoughts he had harbored in a long time.

_ Undeserving. _

_ Unwanted. _

_ Unloved. _

_ Monster. _

Balling his hands into fists, he stood, in his usual tunic, watching the stars drift by from his quarters. It was soothing, the dark emptiness of space. It left the air dulled and still. And quiet. So quiet. He almost appreciated it.

Everything was so  _ loud _ . Thoughts, feelings, and yes, sounds. But people were  _ loud _ . The war was  _ loud _ . Ben hated it. 

But the still silence left him jittery, looking for anything, anything to stir the air, make some sort of movement. But he was exhausted, his mind tired and his spirit weakened from the day. Sleep was harder and harder to come by, especially without her.

Maker, how long had it been? It felt like a lifetime since he had felt her lips on his, or her desperate gasps in his ear. He checked the nearby chrono. 

It was 0300 hours. Three days since he saw Rey last. Since she had been ripped from his arms. He sighed defeatedly, running a gloved hand through his tangled raven locks. I must look like hell, he thought. I should try and sleep.

_ Undeserving. _

He cursed at himself, at the soft voice telling him these things. Subtle but always present. He knew its name. The darkness. He was almost afraid of it now that he had a taste of her, of her permeating light. Just the thought of her left him shaking, yearning, begging the forces of the universe to align, to let him not feel this aching loneliness, this quiet rage he felt in the never ending night.

Letting out a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding, he sat heavily on the edge of his bed, burying his face in his hands. He held back a sob.

_ Undeserving. _

_ Unwanted. _

_ Unloved. _

_ Monster. _

 

_ Weak. _

“I love you,” he whispered to her from across the galaxy, hoping that she would hear. It was as if he had found the right words, the right key to turn the lock. The air around his dark form snapped into focus, the Force pulling taught around him. He inhaled sharply at the sensation. Then, quiet. But not the quiet he dreaded.  _ Her _ quiet.

“Do you mean it?” He heard her say in front of him. He looked up, and saw his Rey, his beacon of hope, looking like a divine spirit. He didn’t feel worthy to look upon her. She reached out, cupping his right cheek, running her thumb across his scar tenderly. “You love me?” There was something beautifully desperate in her voice, and it nearly made him tremble under her touch. He couldn’t help the tear that escaped him, which she caught with her fingers.

“Yes,” he whispered. He swallowed harshly, caught up in her golden hazel eyes. “A thousand times, yes.”

She paused, looking at him. Oh Gods, she was going to leave, abandon him again. She didn’t want him. She had made a mistake last time, it was all a mistake-

“Don’t you dare think that,” she said, interrupting his harmful thought. “Don’t,” she repeated, her eyes burning, glistening with her own tears.

She bent down and pressed her lips to his, aggressively holding onto him like he was her anchor. They both knew then that the Force had allowed them to physically meet, and the feeling of their touch was painfully real. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her so tightly to his chest he thought their forms just might merge. Their mouths opened in unison, deepening the kiss. She somehow managed to find herself in his lap, her rough clothing digging into her soft skin. She pulled away, leaving them both gasping. He settled his large hands on her hips.

“Ben,” she breathed. He was looking up at her with a beautiful hope in his eyes and the strangest combination of thoughts running through his mind. He was confused, hopeless, and so, so in love. She held his face in her hands as she whispered,”I love you too.”

_ Undeserving. _

_ Unwanted. _

_ Unloved. _

_ Monster. _

_ Weak. _

 

_ She’s lying. _

“I love you,” she whispered, kissing his forehead. His eyes fluttered closed.

**Deserving.**

“I love you,” she repeated, kissing his right cheek. He leaned into her touch.

**Wanted.**

“I love you, Ben Solo,” she said, kissing his left cheek. She sent it through her lips, through the quiet air, through her hands on his skin.

**Loved.**

Wrapping his arms around her once again, pressing his now tear stained face into the crook of her neck, he shuddered.

**Beautiful.**

A choked sob escaped him as she weaved her small, strong hands into his hair, cradling his head against her. He rocked their bodies back and forth soothingly, together, and he let out the cries he had been holding back for far too long. 

**Strong.**

“I love you,” she whispered again, stroking his hair, much like his mother had, during those long nights when nightmares burst from behind his eyelids. “I never knew I could love someone like this.”

He felt it then. Her light. Her beautiful, shining soul intertwining with his. Her memories, her thoughts. And stars, her feelings. The intensity of it rivaled his own. She was afraid, she was hopeful, she was in love. The confirmation made him shudder, the years of lies and broken promises rolling off of his shoulders. He held her tighter. He silently thanked the universe and her for blessing him-

“You don’t need to thank me,” she said, hearing his thoughts. She kissed him again, her lips brushing his so, so softly. Then, for a lack of a better word, she devoured him. He never knew a kiss could be like this, leaving him breathless and his heart flying higher and higher. She was biting, sucking, licking every inch of him, and Gods, he moaned. “Ben,” she whispered against his neck, peppering wet kisses behind his ear. He started to shake. It was too much and not enough all at once. He’s never felt so…”I need you,” she whispered, running her hands down his chest. She pulled away, and they locked eyes. He felt her heart, searching for its twin. She was so tired of feeling alone. She was a mirror image of his broken spirit.

“Yes,” he said quietly. “Yes,” he repeated, pulling her closer, his soul reaching out for hers. “Are you alone? Will there be any interruptions?” His expression faltered at the thought. The feeling of her leaving so suddenly, being torn away from him, in his most vulnerable of moments-

“No interruptions,” she answered with a small smile. “I’m alone on the Falcon. I’m so sorry about last time...” she said, continuing to kiss her way down his beautiful neck. 

“Don’t you-don’t you need a..” he could barely speak, her lips and tongue doing unspeakable things to him. “...a-a co-pilot?” The thought of Chewie listening to them made him shiver in something that was definitely not pleasure.

“I’ve got R2,” she replied, unbuttoning his tunic and slipping it off of his broad, muscular shoulders. “Worst case scenario, I wipe his memory,” she said, taking off his arm guards and his gloves, and he could finally feel her soft skin beneath his fingers. His already hardening member began to ache.

“You’re sure?”

“I’m sure,” she said. Just as the words left her mouth, he lifted her in his arms and laid her on his bed, her hair fanning out like a halo. He moved himself above her, kissing her senseless while disrobing her. As he revealed her breasts, he faltered, enraptured by her soft form. Tenderly touching them, he kissed her chest. She inhaled sharply and squirmed slightly under his touch. “Gods, Ben,” she gasped, arching into him as he pulled a taut, tender nipple into his mouth. She groaned. He had never felt more at home than when he was worshipping her like this, giving her everything she deserves and more. Stars, he loves her, he loves her so much.

He moved his way to her other breast, kneading both with his strong hands, laving his tongue against her tight bud. She weaved her hands through his hair, pulling just hard enough to hurt, and he loved it.

He pulled away from her breasts with a moist pop, and she moaned again. He kissed his way down her stomach, kissing the occasional scar and licking any freckles he found along the way. He could feel her throbbing arousal as if it was his own. She surely must feel his aching need as well. He continued stripping her bare, until she was gloriously naked on his bed, her golden skin beautifully contrasting the black silk around her. He sat back on his haunches, just looking at her. Her eyes were sparkling darkly, and her skin was beginning to bruise from his fervent kisses. She had never looked more beautiful. 

Sensing the thought, her face flushed and she moved to cover herself in shame. He leaned forwards, stopping her, holding her hands in his.

“You  _ are _ beautiful,” he said with conviction. “There is no reason for you to hide.” He saw it then, flashes of scantily clad women visiting Niima outpost, with their painted faces and altered bodies. The prostitutes were a rare sight, but their silhouettes were imprinted on her, branded on her retinas. He shuddered in disgust. “You are  _ beautiful _ , Rey.  _ All of you _ .”

“I don’t...I don’t look like  _ them _ ,” she whispered, her eyes glistening with tears. He stroked her cheek, catching her tears with his thumb as they fell.

“You don’t look like them. And you’re beautiful. I don't  _ want _ them.  _ I don’t love them. I love you _ ,” he said before kissing her again, trying to reach out and dispel her insecurities. He sent the way he saw her through the bond, her beautiful eyes, her strong body, her soft, supple breasts, every gorgeous detail. She pulled him closer, wrapping her arms around him, arching towards his warm, hard body. She mirrored him, and pushed how she saw him through the bond. The way his dark eyes danced in the light, his hair falling in his face in battle, his toned chest pressed against hers, just the way he moved was beautiful to her. He groaned, the sensation unfamiliar. He had looked strange growing up, his nose and ears too big for his face, his limbs gangly and thin. But Gods, the way she looked at him. He just might believe that he is beautiful too.

_ You are beautiful _ , her thought echoed through his mind. He kissed her fervently in response, their tongues intertwining in an erotic dance.

He shimmied his way down, still painfully hard, and the movement gave him some relief. But this wasn't about him. His face was level with her dripping core now, and he could see a look of confusion on her face, a blush high on her cheeks, and her chest heaving. He had seen this done in a holo once, and had heard hushed voices about it before attending the academy. All positive things. And damn him if he wasn’t going to try and give her that. He grasped her hand in his before kissing the most sacred parts of her. 

“Ben…” she panted, grinding herself on him. He suckled and ran his tongue through her folds as she shivered in pleasure. Her eyes closed and she threw her head back. Her hand was clutching his so hard he thought it might break. He nudged her clit with his nose before circling it with his lips and tongue. She gasped again, desperately trying to remember how to breathe. 

He finally pressed his tongue against her bud and her back arched forwards, and her free hand weaved itself into his hair, guiding him. She had the most beautiful expression on her face, disbelief, excitement, and so, so much pleasure. Eyes locked, he took his free hand and began to trace her slit with a finger, his knuckles brushing her soft curls. She ground into him even harder now. He slowly entered her, feeling the slick softness of her heat, searching for the source of her heady nectar. He hummed against her clit as he began to pump his finger in and out of her. She threw her head back with a beautifully raw sound, and he felt the spike of her arousal as if it were his own. He rumbled into her sex as he added another finger, pistoning them in her.

“Oh, Ben, oh stars,” Rey gasped, squirming in pleasure under his touch. He could do this all day, he thought, he felt that he would never tire of pleasing her, pleasing his angel of light. Remembering something he had heard of a long time ago, he crooked his fingers, running them along a patch of ridged flesh inside her. She practically screamed, holding on for dear life as he sucked hard on her clit and pumped his fingers in and out, faster and faster. They both felt her peak quickly approaching, her muscles tightening, her back arching, climbing, climbing… _ oh. _

She climaxed with a shaking groan, pushing herself against his magical mouth as her walls contracted and fluttered around his fingers, against his tongue. He slowed his movements as he too felt the waves of pleasure coursing through her. He finally pulled away with a final kiss on her soaked folds, lapping at her sweet juices one final time. She shivered as his touch left her, still twitching from the aftershocks. He rested his head on her toned stomach, licking his lips. Her eyes were glassy as she watched him. Her eyes sharpened as she squeezed his hand.

“That was amazing,” she whispered, sitting up to kiss him, tasting herself on his tongue. “Feel free to do that again sometime,” she smiled against his lips, still riding the high from her intense orgasm.

“I’m glad you liked it,” he replied, kissing her nose as she scrunched it with a smile. She felt Ben’s aching arousal through the bond, and her face hardened momentarily. 

“Let me take care of you now,” she whispered, reaching for the hem of his trousers. He gasped as her warm fingers slowly dipped underneath, tracing the soft skin of his toned belly before finding the dark thatch of hair at the base of him. He groaned at her light touch. With her other hand, she pulled his pants and underwear down, which he kicked off along with his boots, which landed somewhere off the bed. She flipped them over, so that she was above him, her soft hair dangling near her shoulders. 

She ran her hands along his chest, grazing his nipples. He hissed, the sensation unfamiliar but potent. Maker, just the way she was looking at him was driving him insane. She was perched atop him, her slick sex on his lower stomach, her darkened eyes taking in every inch of his pale skin. She wanted to memorize him. Catalog him. Find what makes him tick.

“Rey,” he moaned as she pinched his nipples before running her hands across his pecs, squeezing them slightly, causing him to grind into her, his painfully hard member desperate for friction. “That’s...that’s different,” he stuttered, his face heating up with every syllable. She did it again. A shock of electric pleasure shot down his spine. He groaned.

“It’s not fair,” she joked, leaning down to lick his chest with her beautiful tongue. “Yours are bigger than mine.” She stroked his pecs again and he moaned. Just the thought of her thinking of his chest in comparison to hers did something unholy to him. He wanted more.

She scooted down his chest, heaving a trail of her wetness behind, which she rubbed into his skin before addressing his manhood. She bent over to look at it, observe every freckle and vein. Just her breath on his sensitive skin left him shuddering.

“Please,” he gasped, begging for her touch. She obliged, running a lone finger from the base to its very top, spreading the drop of precum across the head. He shivered as he struggled for breath. She repeated the motion, but with two fingers this time. And again. Until she was running her palm against him as he desperately ground into her. “Rey,” he gasped at a particularly hard stroke. “Please...I need-oh, Gods…”

“Tell me what you need, Ben,” she murmured, leaning up to kiss his neck. He held her hips in his strong hands, yearning for her to be closer.

Maker, he thought he was going to finish before they started if she kept teasing him like that.

“I need-I need you to s-stop,” he stammered. She pulled away in confusion. “I...I can’t finish more than once like you,” he explained hurriedly. A look of pity crossed her face before softening once more, her chest heaving with lust. He was aching for her. The bond widened slightly, and he could feel that she felt the same. “I want to make it count.”

She kissed him fiercely, pulling him to sit as she straddled his lap, grinding her wet core against him. They both groaned at the contact, as if their very hearts had touched each other for the very first time. 

“Ben,” she gasped, stilling momentarily. “Can we…”

“Yes,” he answered. He slowly lined himself up with her, the tip grazing her. She gently lowered herself onto him, her face contorting slightly in pain. He bottomed out and they both groaned, pressing their foreheads together. The air quieted, and all they could hear were their thundering hearts and labored breathing. The Force snapped into place around them, and they felt with a dangerous certainty that this was something truly important. Their bodies, their souls, had become one. “I love you,” he whispered, breaking the silence. 

“I love you,” she replied, pressing a soft kiss to his plush lips. She gripped his shoulders as they began to move.

And Maker, it was bliss. Neither of them had ever felt anything like this. Rey savored the feeling of fullness and the way the rolling of his hips made her breath catch in her throat. Ben relished the feeling of her tight, wet heat embracing his vulnerable self, in body and soul, and the magnificent sensation of finally being united with her. She rolled her hips against him, taking his length inside of her as far as it could go, and her eyes rolled back in her head as he urgently pressed against something deep inside her that only he could reach. Locking their lips passionately, gasping against each other, they moved in harmony. 

With labored breathing, they flipped over, allowing Ben to lengthen his strokes, eliciting breathy sighs from Rey and raw moans from him. She pulled herself up against him, chest to chest, as he quickened his pace. He was now pulling almost completely out of her core before slamming back in. The sounds of their lovemaking were loud in their ears, wet vibrations stirring the air. Both were surprised they were lasting this long, this beautiful union long overdue in their neglected forms. Ben began to angle his hips upwards, the head of his manhood brushing that beautifully sensitive spot within his love. She gasped and held him tighter as she was assaulted with even more pleasure, so intense it was almost painful. Ben tucked his head against her neck, his hard breaths against her skin as his member began to throb strongly. They never wanted this to end.

“Kriff, Ben,” Rey hissed in his ear, pulling on his hair tenderly. He groaned as his pleasure spiked, sending him nearer and nearer to the sacred precipice. He could feel her begin to tighten around him, and her pleasure was echoing through his mind. She was close, too. He hiked her legs higher, allowing him to delve deeper into her heat, and she began to breathe heavier than ever before, her face, neck and chest flushing with her hot blood.

“Rey,” he groaned, feeling the sweat drip down his back. “Oh, Rey…” Gods, they were so close, close to each other and close to ecstasy. Feeling his release rapidly approaching, he increased the strength and depth of his thrusts, wanting her to fall with him. He reached a hand between their writhing forms, swirling his thumb against her slick clit. 

Backs arching, hands grasping and eyes locked, they tumbled over the edge as one, calling out their names like prayers. The waves of pure sensation crashed through them, convulsing in their chests. Groaning and moaning, Ben throbbed in Rey’s fluttering sex, releasing his long awaited seed, filling her with his devotion as she welcomed him into her most intimate of places. It seemed to last forever.

When their shared orgasm slowly faded, he never felt so  _ safe _ , so  _ complete _ . Her thoughts mirrored his beautifully. 

Boneless, they both collapsed into the soft mattress. Ben pulled out of her regretfully, already missing her intimate embrace. They held each other for a long time, feeling their hammering hearts and sweat slicked skin against each other. He gazed at her, tucking some of her hair behind an ear. She smiled softly, closing her eyes as he stroked her cheek.

“That was amazing,” she whispered, opening her beautiful eyes to him once more. “That is probably the best experience I’ve ever had.”

“Me too,” he replied. He could feel the exhaustion settling into their limbs as they tucked themselves against each other, pulling the sheets over their bodies. He kissed her softly and lovingly before whispering, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she replied, wrapping her arms around him and returning his kiss. They laid there for a while, blissfully tired as they tenderly touched each other, enjoying their nearness. Eventually, they both drifted off into the best sleep they had ever had.

They dreamed of each other.


	4. Chapter 4

All was warm and soft. Safe. Hardened hearts broken though again, their soft, glowing cores exposed once again. Hands intertwining, fingers exploring skin. Heat. Happy. Heaven.

Ben and Rey were both surprised to find that the Force had maintained their connection all through the night. Slowly opening their eyes, they were met with soft smiles and caresses. Their naked forms nestled in each other, neither had known that touch could be so comforting. And that it could come from someone they never expected. The Supreme Leader and the last Jedi.

“Good morning,” Rey said softly, pressing a sleepy kiss to his full lips. He smiled before returning it, opening himself slightly, angling his head to deepen the kiss. She hummed contentedly before he pulled away.

“Good morning, sweetheart,” he replied against her lips. He didn’t realize he had said the endearment until she smiled broadly at him.he had called her that before, but that was different. This was softer, more intimate. His blood ran cold. He didn’t mean to...“Is it...is it okay if I call you that?”

“Yes,” she answered, wrapping her arms around him, pulling herself against his chest, pressing feather-light kisses to his moles and freckles. “I like it.”

“My…” he sighed. Steeling his nerves, he continued. “My father called my mother sweetheart. I guess...I guess I picked it up.”

She didn’t know how to respond to that. There were so many things to say, so many things she could say. She tucked her head closer to him as she thought. He stroked her back slowly. He didn’t know what to say either. One of their first conversations through the bond was about him, Han. She thought he hated him. But he didn’t. It was strange. He loved him, wanted to be like him, until he learned. He learned that Han Solo was an idea, much like Ben Solo was. He was left with a father that didn’t do it right. But he didn’t hate him. He sighed.

“I think that’s good,” she finally said. She ran her hand across his chest, feeling his soft skin. “I think...I think it honors him in a way.”

He had never thought about it like that. But it seemed right. It was a start. The first stitch in an open wound. He nodded, resting his chin on the crown of her head. He breathed deeply.

“Did you...did you like last night?” He asked quietly. He was terrified of her answer. That she would regret it, that she didn’t really love him.

“Yes,” she answered with a smile, turning to look at him. She seemed to sense his tumultuous thoughts. “I loved it. I don’t regret it, and I do love you.”

“Me too,” he agreed. A look of concern crossed his features. He sensed something from her...pain. “I didn’t...I didn’t hurt you?”

“I won’t lie, I am a little sore. But I’d never done it before. I’ve heard it’s normal to be a bit stiff afterwards.”

“I have meds for pain,” he said. “I could get you some,” he nodded towards the medicine cabinet in his refresher.

“I’ll be fine, it’s not that bad,” she shook her head against his chest. “Besides, it will be a little reminder of you.”

He smiled at that, thinking of her going about her day, with a small reminder of him between her thighs. He was enjoying this, just talking with her, holding her close. He never wanted to leave. Neither did she.

“I have an implant,” she said quietly. Tension he didn’t know he was holding immediately dispelled. “Le-General Organa thought it would be a good idea. Everyone in the Resistance gets one. I guess relationships are encouraged.”

He nodded with a soft but sad smile. That sounded like his mother.

“Within Resistance ranks, of course,” he added, his voice tinged with bitterness. She smiled at that. “I hardly think she would approve of  _ this _ .”

“I think she would.”

“Really?” He asked, looking her in the eye. “After all I’ve done, everyone that I’ve hurt, she would approve of us?” He asked in disbelief. He couldn’t see any scenario where his mother would want them to be together. Her prized Jedi of the Resistance and her failure of a son. 

“Yes,” she said, holding his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her as she continued. “She loves you. She wants you to come home. But she’s lost so much...she doesn’t expect you to be her son again. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want it.”

He shook his head in denial. She couldn’t...she doesn’t...but then he was in his TIE Silencer again, feeling her presence for the first time in years. Rey was right. She still loves him. Tears welled in his eyes as he accepted it. Rey pulled him closer as he buried his face in her neck, letting the tears fall and soak their skin. He shuddered, wrapping his arms around her even tighter, as if letting her go would break him. Maybe it would.

“I’m coming home,” he whispered. “For you...for her...for  _ him _ .”

“Thank you,” she whispered, peppering his face him chaste kisses. “I’ll help you in any way that I can.”

He held her tighter. Gods, just her presence was so soothing. Her light, even her own darkness seemed to intertwine with his own, their souls meeting in the middle in a beautiful dance. Balance. Force knows how much they needed it.

“Ben,” she whispered, rubbing herself against him. He groaned at the friction, his manhood already hardening. “Do you have anywhere to be?”

“I'm the Supreme Leader,” He rumbled in her ear, his chest resonating against hers. “I can take the morning off.”

“Do it,” she whispered. He reached for his comlink on the bedside, quickly shooting off a message to Hux. He almost missed the satisfaction of seeing his bitter expression at his demands. He turned back to her, and saw that she had lowered the covers to reveal her breasts. “I’m on a supply run. I’ve got nothing to do.” He inhaled sharply before reaching for her.

They made sweet love all morning long. It was different this time, more relaxed, gentle, exploring each other, finding the secrets of pleasure, the special places in each other. 

Rey discovered that Ben loved a little pain, like fingernails in his skin, or hands tugging at his hair. Her new favorite pastime was finding every beauty mark and freckle before kissing it, running her hot tongue against his flesh. Not to mention biting his hip bones before eagerly taking him into her mouth. His moans and curses under his breath were her new favorite sounds.

Likewise, Ben found a spot behind her ear that was particularly sensitive, especially when he sucked on it before nibbling on the bruise. He also discovered that she loved his hands, holding them in her own as she guided him across her skin, sharing her experience with him. But what he loved most was when he could make her scream with just his mouth, thrusting his tongue into her folds and pressing against her clit until she convulsed around him. His name tumbling from her lips in breathy moans was almost as good as climaxing himself.

The morning drew on for longer than it felt, and they only separated from each other’s touch to grab food or use the restroom. But every second was spent together.

“I wish it could always be like this,” he whispered against her neck late in the morning. “Just us.”

“Me too,” she replied, pressing kisses against his shoulder, where she had struck him with her lightsaber so long ago. “I’m sorry about these,” she said with a strained voice, tracing the scars she had given him. Her eyes began to well with tears. He wiped them away without hesitation.

“Thank you,” he said, pulling back to look at her. “But I deserved them. And in a way, they led me back to you. They’re part of me, part of you. A constant reminder of who you are.” He looked at the nearby chrono. 1100 hours. He pressed his forehead against hers, sighing heavily, feeling defeated.

“Do you need to go?” She asked softly. He nodded with a groan. She could feel his desire to stay rolling off of him in waves.

“I should go,” Ben finally said. “It’s almost midday here, and Hux will be waiting for me.” She nodded and began to pull away. “I need to shower,” he said, standing from the bed, reaching out to her, much like he had before on the Supremacy. “Would you like to join me?”

She smiled and took his hand. 

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


It was cold. The atmosphere aboard the First Order Flagship was stale and frigid. But change was stirring in the air.

“Mitaka, report to my chambers,” Kylo said over his personal comm. He fidgeted with his gloved hands for a moment before the nervous Lieutenant entered, his brisk strides abnormally loud against the polished floors. He stopped a yard or two away from the Supreme Leader’s imposing desk. Ren had forgone the throne the minute he had the chance, ridding himself of the reminder of Snoke’s rule. Gods, killing him was one of the best things he had ever done.

“Yes, sir?” The young man asked, almost shaking in his boots. Kylo stood and circled the desk , now closer to Mitaka, leaning back against the edge of the wide obsidian table.

“How long have you served the First Order?” He asked, crossing his strong arms across his chest almost casually. 

“6 years, sir,” he replied after a moment.  Ren nodded in acknowledgment.

“Do you agree with our ideals?”

“Sir?” He questioned, his voice raising in pitch. Alarms went off in his head, that the Supreme Leader was questioning his loyalty, that he was seconds away from death. Sweat beaded on his brow. “I don’t understand-“

“I'm not going to hurt you, Lieutenant,” Kylo stated matter-of-factly. “I’m…” he hesitated. Was he really going to do this? Could he even do this? “I’m curious.” Mitaka’s eyebrows shot up and he cleared his throat.

“Th-thank you sir,” he stammered. “I don’t-um-always agree with our methods, sir. Violence is...unsettling. The people should have more choice...in my opinion, sir.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant. How do you think our organization could be improved?”

“Democracies could help appease rebellious worlds, sir. And the stormtroopers…”

“Yes?”

“The stormtrroper program should be reformed. It...it feels like slave labor sometimes. They should be able to see their families.” With a quick look inside his mind, Ren saw colleagues, or friends of Mitaka, their experiences, and their desire to see their families, or even return home. It resonated with Ben deeply.

“You are dismissed.” Mitaka quickly bowed before turning to leave, then Kylo remembered, felt the prickling at the back of his mind. He had almost forgotten. He stepped forward, and Mitaka stopped dead in his tracks, his heart beating out of his chest. Ren thought he could almost hear it. “I trust that this conversation will stay between us?”

“Of course, sir,” the Lieutenant replied, turning slightly.

“That is all.” With that, the man left without another word. The relief in the air was palpable.

Officer after officer filed in that week, facing peculiar questions from their new leader, ones that would otherwise leave them for the disposal droids. Puzzled, but silent, Ben Solo’s early recruits  grew in number. 

Of course, there were the few fanatics who wholly supported the order, yearned for the totalitarian control Ben had grown to despise. Fortunately, nearly all of the outliers were weak minded, easy to manipulate. Kylo’s gloved hands twisted through the air, molding minds to bend to his will. A simple instruction. Speak nothing of this and report to me when I ask. Dazed, they stumbled from his office.

The Supreme Leader’s confidence was starting to bloom.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of short...whatever...but really fluffy...
> 
> Is Rey okay?

Another day, another headache. Who knew organizing a revolution could be so damn exhausting? Not only were the reports piling up on his desk extremely boring, but they were so damn long. If he didn’t thoroughly read each one, he would be inadvertently helping Hux. Instead of signing away without a second thought, he pored over each word, looking for some way that Hux could use it to his advantage. Ben had gotten really good at revising, changing the wording to be as specific as possible. He was left with a buzzing energy he could only dispel through physical activity. Tonight was no exception.  Leaving the training room, he bathed before crawling into bed with a groan, his whole body stiff and sore. He felt ancient.

He had just barely laid down in his wide bed when she found herself with him again. He smiled softly as he felt her warmth permeating the stale starship air. He wrapped his arms around her, as they faced each other. The Force calmed around them, a quiet peace seeping into their bones.

“I missed you,” Rey said, pulling herself closer to his warm body. Her hands were cold against his bare chest.

“I missed you, too,” Ben replied, pressing a kiss to her forehead, and then her lips. She smiled sleepily, wrapping her arms around him. He grimaced, a pain flaring.

“What’s wrong?” She pulled back, her delicate brow drawn with concern. She pulled back the covers, looking for the source of his pain.

“It’s nothing,” he lied, just as her hands found the large bruise on his side. He hissed as her fingers brushed his sensitive flesh. She gave him a pained and pointed look.

_ Liar _ , he heard her think.

“I was training with battle droids. They’re programmed for hand to hand combat. I thought I could handle their fastest setting. I tried to block one and I missed.”

“It looks pretty bad,” Rey said, observing the mottled purple skin. “You should get it checked. A hit from a metal droid can be nasty.”

“I’ll be fine,” he said, pulling away. “I’ve...I've had worse,” he added half heartedly, as if he were trying to convince himself. Stars, he had been hurt so much. He couldn’t remember how many broken ribs, shattered bones, dislocated joints, deep gashes or bruises he had endured. Too many, he was sure.

“Why do you do that?” She asked softly.

“Do what?” He sat up a bit, turning to face her, resting a hand on her hip. She was genuinely concerned, and that somehow frightened him and made his heart swell at the same time. 

“You...dismiss your pain. You did it on Starkiller, and you’re doing it now. Why do you do that?” She repeated, leaning closer to him.

“Pain can give you strength, if you put yourself above it, control it. Sn...Snoke taught me that,” he replied, his own words starting to horrify him. What had Snoke done to him? Sympathy bloomed across her features as she traced the scar across his face and chest. Her fingertips felt like fire, but he was happy to be burned by her.

“It’s okay to feel pain,” she said. “It’s okay to hurt, to let it control you sometimes. It exists for a reason. You know that ignoring it like that is dangerous. There’s a point where the pain needs to be addressed.” Her hands spread across his chest, over his heart. They both paused.

His broken heart was in her hands.

“I’ll go to the med bay tomorrow,” he said after a beat. She nodded, tucking her head against his chest, careful not to brush the bruise. They laid in silence for a while.

“I can feel it,” she said quietly. He raised his head, confused. “The pain. I know it’s bad. Why don’t you take those pain meds you offered me?”

“They make you drowsy,” he replied, burying his face in her neck. “And...a little inebriated.” Gods, he was always so vulnerable around her. And the thought of him completely honest like that terrified him. He didn’t think he was ready for that, no matter how small it seemed. He was about to voice his refusal when she interrupted him.

“Ben, it feels like there’s a knife in your side. Take the damn meds.”

He grumbled as he left the bed, grabbing water and a ration pack, along with the package of pills. He knew from experience that strong medicines, especially painkillers could wreak havoc on an empty stomach. Even if the rations were bland, they would help tremendously.

He hesitantly ate the food, and took a pill, setting the glass on the bedside table. He settled back into the sheets, pulling Rey close, her back against his chest. He nuzzled closer. A comfortable silence fell.

The meds worked fast. Soon, his fingers and toes felt warm, and his head felt light. His head was swimming, in a good way. He had forgotten how strong the meds were. His muscles unwound themselves, and the stress of the day melted away.

“Better?” She asked, feeling him relax against her, his pain now a distant memory. He hummed, pressing his lips into her neck.

“You’re so soft,” he mumbled, stroking the soft skin of her stomach under her nightshirt. “I love you,” He slurred slightly. Rey chuckled, turning in his arms to face him. She was met with his beautiful toothy grin and the most relaxed expression she had ever seen him wear. She stroked his cheek tenderly. He kissed her palm, closing his dark eyes.

“I kind of like you like this,” she said, committing his peaceful expression to memory. This brief reprieve was a blessing for him. She couldn’t see a single worry in his eyes, and his smile was beautifully genuine. “You’re so relaxed. You need to relax more.”

“Yup,” he agreed. “I love you. Did I tell you that? Because I do. I love you a whole lot.”

“I love you too,” she giggled, pressing a soft kiss to his nose. She stroked his hair gently. He tucked his head under her chin, smiling softly. But then his thoughts betrayed him. He sniffled. Startled, she pulled away, and saw him rubbing his eyes harshly, with crystalline tears running down his face. “What’s wrong? Did I make it hurt again?”

“No,” he croaked. He pulled his hands away, revealing his puffy, red eyes. “I just...sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve you.”

“Ben,” she sighed, pulling him in closer. Force, why did he always cry around her? It was like she was the only one controlling the flow of his tears, peeling back his layers to reveal a sobbing mess of a man. A pathetic excuse for a man, if you asked him. “I...I feel the same way sometimes.” He stilled, listening intently. “I’ve been so alone, and now I have you. I was thrown away like garbage, but you seem to think I’m the opposite. But it isn’t about what we deserve. It’s about what we need. And I need you, just as you need me.”

“It’s embarrassing how much I need you,” he mumbled into her damp skin, his head fuzzy and warm. “You’re amazing. You’re beautiful, in heart, soul, and mind. Did I tell you that I love you?”

“Yes, many, many times,” she smiled weakly, pulling his limp, hulking form closer.

“Well I do. It bears repeating.”

“Who knew Kylo Ren could get sappy from some meds?”

“Kylo Ren doesn’t get sappy. He’s an asshole,” he grumbled as she giggled. He nuzzled closer, pressing open-mouthed kisses to her neck. “But Ben Solo would.”

“Yes, he would,” she agreed, stroking his hair. He was asleep in an instant, snoring softly. She smiled and hesitantly followed him into slumber. She was thinking too much.


	6. Chapter 6

Things seemed okay for once.  Everything was going according to plan. The officers had been recruited and Ben had begun to sow seeds of doubt in their minds. No manipulation, of course. Just the truth. He suggested changes to the stormtrooper program, cut back involvement on conquered worlds, and even changed the tax code.

Gods, he was turning into a politician. He shuddered. Of course, all of this required an obscene amount of paperwork, and the Supreme Leader’s desk was littered with data pads with reports, requests, forms and declarations requiring his notes, revisions, and signature. He had a headache. He had just finished half of them when a fuming red-haired General stormed in.

“What in the blazes do you think you’re doing?!” Hux nearly screamed, his face flushed and contorted. His leather gloves squeaked and groaned as his fists tightened and shook. “You can’t just go and change everything!”

“I  _ am _ the Supreme Leader,” Kylo snapped, rising from his seat, approaching him. Gods, he was infuriating. “In case you’ve forgotten,  _ General _ , I have the final say here, not  _ you _ .”

“You are a disgrace to everything that Snoke has built! You’ll tear the order apart!” He was practically about to burst. It was almost funny. “I control your army, Supreme Leader,” he spat. “I can take away your-“

His booted feet lifted from the ground, swinging aimlessly and frantically. Hux was grasping at his throat, his face turning purple. He couldn’t breathe. A pathetic noise escaped him with a gurgle as Kylo Ren tightened his grip with the Force, and pulled Hux’s throat into his gloved hand.

“I will only say this one more time, Hux,” he said, voice scarily low, dark eyes glistening with a violent energy. “I am the Supreme Leader. I am the leader of the First Order. You are a tiny, weak General. You dare come into my office, on my ship, and tell me what to do...next time, I will not be so merciful. You can count on that.” He had leaned closer, so that Hux’s fading vision was filled with him. He released the General’s squirming body, leaving him in a heap on the floor. “Get out of my sight.”

“Y-yes...Supreme Leader,” Hux gasped, trying to stand as quickly as possible, but his thin body was failing him. He left the room without a word, but a murderous look in his eyes.

The next step was complete.

Ben Solo sighed and slumped.

  
  


-

  
  


Unsurprisingly, Ben was in a strange mood that night. The encounter with Hux had left him visibly shaken. And oddly drained. This had never happened when he had lashed out before. What was happening to him? He ate his private dinner in silence, almost brimming with anticipation, trepidation. Thoughts raced through his mind.

What if it didn’t work? What if they all turned on him? What if Hux won?

She shook his head. He had lost his appetite. He pushed away the cold food, leaving the dishes for the service droids. He rubbed his face harshly before heading to the fresher. Stepping into the shower, he felt the Force shudder around him once more.

“Oh!” Rey squeaked behind him. He turned around, and the sight of her made him smile slightly. She looked kind of ridiculous, fully clothed, her tunic now sopping wet.

“I’m happy to see you,” he said quietly. “...care to join me?”

“Doesn’t look like I have much of a choice,” she huffed with a smirk before shedding all her layers. Once she was as bare as him, he pulled her close and embraced her, the hot water running down their bodies. She tried to pull away after a moment, but he held firm. She sensed his emotions as if they were written on the inside of her eyelids. “What’s wrong?” she asked quietly.

“I don’t know,” he said softly, rubbing her slick back with his large hands. “I’m...I don’t know. I think I’m worried. It’s hard to explain,” he sighed.

“You don’t have to,” she whispered into his chest, her fingers tracing the faint scars on his fair skin.The bond practically flew open, and Ben jolted at the feeling. His feelings tumbled out of him, cascading through Rey’s mind, filling every nook and cranny. Likewise, her state of mind washed over him, a calm determination and faith. Faith in him. “I think...you’re afraid. You’re afraid of failing, of not being able to come home. But...you are also terrified of coming back.”

He listened, pulling away, pressing his forehead to hers, closing his eyes. She was right. Stars, she was always right. 

“Ben, I trust you,” she said, holding his face in her hands. “I trust you and I have faith that this will work.” Her face hardened for an instant, but softened once more. She shielded herself, the bond closing almost fully, but still keeping herself with him.

“Are you okay?” he asked, feeling somewhat renewed by her words. She looked away, tucking herself against his warm chest as he stroked her wet hair.

“I...can we talk about it later? I just want to be with you right now.”

He nodded before reaching for his shampoo. Her eyes softened even more before she turned around, and let him massage it into her scalp, giving her hair more care than it had ever received. Rinsing off her locks, his fingers followed the suds down her tanned curves, making her sigh in contentment. 

He continued bathing her, scrubbing off the dirt and grime from her day, and what looked like engine grease. She must have worked on a ship or some machinery recently. The thought of that made him smile. His Rey, hunched over some console, covered in oil and grease, brow furrowed in concentration. And the little yelp she would give out when she succeeded, and her beautiful smile plastered on her dirty face.

“You’re not too far off,” she added. She pushed a memory of her day, repairing a salvaged data bank from an old Rebel base on Hoth. The image he had imagined was quite similar, except hers had much more frustration and cursing. The look on her face at the end of it was the same. But something...something didn’t make sense. Or he didn’t want to make sense. Hoth. 

“You’re on Hoth?” He asked, his heart beating out of his chest.

“Yes,” she replied, turning around. “I am.” He fell silent for a moment, brow furrowed. “What is it?”

“You…you just told me where you are.”

“I did.”

“You…” he swallowed. Gods, how did she keep doing this to him. “You trust me.” He couldn’t believe his own words. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and pulled him in for a kiss. Pulling away, she smiled.

“I do. I trust you.”

He swallowed again. How could this beautiful creature trust him, when only a few months ago she hated him? How did he deserve her? Her face hardened. She pulled away.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, reaching for her, but she kept herself out of his grasp. She didn’t answer. “Rey, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she snapped harshly, her hazel eyes brimming with...could it be tears? No, she did not deserve tears. She turned away.

“Rey, please-“

His hands found only steamy air. She was gone, but the chaotic energy her presence had brought in her last moments with him remained. 

The tiles shattered under his fists, and his blood ran down the shower walls, swirling down the drain. 

Dripping down his hands.

He couldn’t help but worry.

  
  


-

  
  


From across the galaxy, Ben could feel Rey’s tears as they ran down her cheeks.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit hits the fan...

Two weeks.

Two weeks and nothing but tension. Rey was hiding something. Something big, something painful. It was killing her inside. Ben could feel every night she cried herself to sleep, experience every ache and pain, and see how she was breaking.

Sometimes the bond would try and open, but it was strained, as if Rey had wedged a foot in the door. It couldn’t open. He could see flashes, her tear stained cheeks, her grease-covered hands, her waning smile.

Whoever had done this to her would pay. He promised himself that. The thought of anyone harming her, making her upset, or hell, even looking at her the wrong way would make his blood boil in rage. This was a different rage than what he felt before. It seemed childish to him now. Immature. No, this rage was different. Protective. Right. It was right to feel this rage.

But another part of him, a darker part, blamed himself.  _ He _ was to blame.  _ He _ made her upset. He ran through every moment with her, trying to find anything,  _ anything _ that he had said or done that could have done this to her. It seemed almost comforting. More acceptable.  _ That he hurt her. _

Every day or so, he would tentatively brush against the bond, and ask if she was okay. No reply ever came. He knew she could hear him. That made it worse.

_ Rey? _ He thought one night, lying awake in his chambers. His bare chest was aching with her absence.  _ Please, sweetheart, tell me what’s wrong. _

Silence.

_ I’m sorry... _ she said softly. At the sound of her voice in his mind, he bolted up from his bed, dashing to the viewport, as if those few yards could bring him closer to her.

_ It’s good to hear you again... _ he replied. He was cautious. That never happened.  _ I missed you. _

_ I miss you too. I’m so sorry, Ben. _

_ Sorry? No, I’m the one who should apologize. I made you upset,  _ he thought defeatedly. It was then that the bond swung open, and he gasped. He felt her arms wrap around him, and her forehead rest between his shoulder blades. He sighed against her, holding her hands in his, above his heart.

“I know you didn’t mean to,” she said into his bare skin. He could feel her shaking. He turned around, staying in her arms, and finally saw her face. She was crying softly. He wiped away her tears with his thumbs. “I’m sorry I blocked you out.”

“I’m sorry, too,” he said, locking eyes with her. “Could you...what did I do wrong? I want to make this right.”

“It’s not you, Ben. It’s me. It’s...it’s your thoughts. About me,” she replied, her eyes dulling. “You...you think so  _ highly _ of me.”

“I do, Rey,” he acknowledged with a nod, stroking her cheek. “I love you.”

“I don’t deserve it. You think I’m some perfect being, a beautiful angel, but I’m not. I’m the opposite, Ben. I’m a scavenger from Jakku. A nobody. And you’re a  _ kriffing prince _ . I was thrown away like garbage, and my whole life I’ve thought I was that-”

He silenced her with a kiss, pulling her into his arms and tightly against him. She arched into him, wrapping her arms around his neck with a groan. They both pulled away, breathless, eyes sparkling.

“Rey,” he whispered. “I don’t care where you come from. I don’t care if your parents threw you away. I care about you. And you are beautifully perfect to me. And it’s okay to have flaws, it’s what makes us human. It’s what makes you  _ you _ . You deserve all the love I can give and more. Because you’re Rey.  _ You’re my hope _ .” 

“Ben, please, I’m not-”

“No. Rey, I will  _ never _ force you to do anything. But I am  _ begging _ you to hear and believe me.  _ Please _ ,” he begged, his own eyes welling with tears now. Gods, he loves her so much. She nodded hesitantly. “You are a miracle. You have endured such hardships, gone through hell, and you’re still you. You’re Rey. And you believe in me. No one has really ever done that for me before. You deserve love, because of what you’ve endured and who you are. And for believing in me, giving me hope in a hopeless life.  _ You’ve saved me, Rey. I love you, so, so much _ .”

Her face twisted as she tried in vain to hold back her tears. He pulled her close as she finally let it out, her cries muffled by his skin. She hugged him so tight he could barely breathe. She shuddered against him, and he could feel her relief and acceptance rolling through the bond in waves.

“Thank you, Ben,” she whispered, rubbing her hands across his torso. “I love you,” she said. But there was something else, something bigger. Something new.

“Rey, there’s something else. I can sense it,” he said, pressing a kiss to her forehead before she pulled away. Her face looked ashen as she pulled him towards the bed, and they sat together on the edge. She weaved her hands into his. She took a steadying breath. She looked away, at the floor.

His heart beat faster with every millisecond. The anticipation and worry was agony.

“It’s your mother,” she whispered. He felt as if his heart had stopped. She was shaking. “She nearly died on the Raddus, blown into space by an explosion.”

He couldn’t breathe. Force, let him breathe. All he could see were targeting sights, and Leia’s mournful face. His thumb on the trigger. 

_ Fire, you pathetic child _ , Snoke whispered to him.

His grip tightened on the joystick.

“Ben…” her eyes were filled with fear as she looked back at him. “Was it...did you…”

He pulled away, wrenching his tense hands away from her, stumbling away. His chest felt as if it would burst.

“Did you do it?” She nearly screamed, her fists clenched as tears rolled down her cheeks. Gods, she thought he could...that he had...He shuddered, frozen.

His thumb pulled back from the trigger. He was trembling. Then, he was helpless as the missiles fired from the other TIE, and the silent explosion expanded in space.

 

_ Mama _ .

 

“Ben, please-“

“It’s my fault,” he interrupted, still turned away from her. His chest was heaving with the effort of not shattering into a million pieces. “I should have been able to stop it. I should have…”

“Ben...I’m sorry...please come back,” she said quietly, and he turned back to see her, face stricken and eyes glistening. Slowly, he sat back down, keeping his hands to himself. He did not deserve her touch. Rey being Rey, she wouldn’t have it. She grasped his hands in hers, holding on tight. “It’s not your fault.”

“I want to believe you.”

“Please...Ben, she’s dying.”

Hot tears rolled down his face in silence. It was all too much. He couldn’t look at her. He didn’t deserve to. But Gods, how he wanted to.

“I should have told you the minute I found out. But I was so scared, Ben.” She shook her head. She extended a hand to his scarred cheek, tracing it and following the tracks of his tears. “She knows about our connection,” she continued. He still couldn’t look at her. “She knows about us. She...she wants to see you. Luke saw you in the hut, so maybe she could too.”

“She doesn’t want to see me,” he said weakly, voice strained as he fought back his sobs.

 

_ Mama, please _ .

 

“She told me so,” Rey said with conviction, taking Ben’s face in her hands and turning him to look at her. She could see his heart breaking. “Please. Before she’s gone.”

He couldn’t hold it in anymore. The room shook as he cried out, hunching as if his heart had been ripped open. The tears wouldn’t stop. Force, let them stop. Stop this pain.

Leia, singing him to sleep. Leia, letting him braid her hair. Leia, smiling as he played. Leia, hugging him as he cried. Leia, fighting away his nightmares. Leia, worrying over him. Leia, crying when she heard what happened at the Academy. Leia, regretting not listening. Leia, wanting her son back. Leia, his mother.

 

_ Mama, please don’t go _ .

 

But then he felt it. He felt his mother in the Force for the first time since Crait. He could almost feel her hand over his broken heart. Across the galaxy, she was reaching out to him.

_ Come home _ , she whispered. He inhaled sharply, as if he had never truly breathed before. Perhaps he hadn’t. Rey wrapped her arms around him, and he clutched her as if his life depended on it. The shaking subsided, and the room was quiet.

“When...when can we do it?” He asked, his voice breaking. She stroked his hair.

“Tomorrow?”

He didn’t know if that made it better or worse. That she wanted to see him so soon, or that her time was shorter than he thought. He nodded against her, his limbs heavy. He felt anchored to her.

“Thank you,” she whispered, kissing his forehead. He held her tighter. “You should try and sleep.” He nodded again. She took his hand and led him under the thick covers, stripping her outer layers until she was just in her shirt and pants.

She pressed a soft kiss to his lips before they fell asleep in each other’s arms. She stroked his bare back as dreams began to ebb into nightmares.

For the first time in a while, neither of them could stop them.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready to cry...

Saying that Ben was on edge would be an understatement. He felt stretched too thin, his skin tight as a drum, his chest empty. He refused every meeting that day. He knew he couldn’t let even his closest advisors see him like this. Instead of attending to his duties, he sat in his quarters, trying to control his breathing. He frantically pulled off his gloves, wiping his clammy hands on his trousers nervously. He put the gloves back on, in a futile attempt at control.

With every tiny and totally normal tremor in the Force, his heart stuttered as his chest felt as if it would collapse in on itself. But then the tremor would end and he would let out a shaking breath, his heart pounding in his ears.

He was desperate for anything to calm him down. His heart was racing. Maker, let it stop. Let it slow down.

He needed something to take the edge off. In this case, it was talking to his mother who he hadn’t seen in years, on her deathbed. Oh, and he killed her husband and his father.

_ Gods help me _ .

As a result, he turned to something he rarely indulged in. Without thinking, he pulled out a chilled bottle of Corellian whiskey. A gift from his father, given to him when he had been sent away.

“Don’t tell Leia,” he had said with a smirk, ruffling his son’s hair. It was Han’s favorite drink. There were many nights Han would come home from a successful smuggling run drunk as can be, singing songs to his mother, kissing her knuckles and looking at her  _ so softly _ . The memory was bittersweet, now that he had...he was…

He poured himself a glass before raising it to his lips. He was shaking so hard he thought he might break the cup.

The liquid burned as it scraped down his throat. He gulped down the contents before filling it again. And again. He finished off his third glass with a groan, putting away the bottle and cup.

_ Hiding the evidence _ .

He knew he could handle a few drinks. He was practically a giant, a tall, solid man. Three drinks didn’t do much. He knew it didn’t do much. 

But he hoped it was enough. Gods, let it be enough to calm his heart. He sat down heavily on his bed, starting to feel the effects of the alcohol. It wasn’t much, just a subtle warmth to his skin and a lightness in his head. 

A small victory. He wasn’t shaking anymore, and his pulse no longer rivaled lightspeed. He almost smiled at that. Even when he felt so out of control, he could find something he held under his thumb. He sighed.

He was so distracted that he didn’t feel the Force shift around him. He felt her weight behind him on the bed, and she wrapped her arms around him, hands over his heart. He took one in his hand and pressed his lips to her knuckles. She set her forehead against his shoulder. He could feel her shallow breaths on his sensitive neck.

“I would ask if you were okay, but I think we both know the answer to that,” Rey said quietly. If she knew that he had been drinking a bit, she didn’t say anything. But he felt her understanding through the bond. Ben interlaced his fingers with hers, holding them to his chest. She turned away slightly and said to some empty point, ”Yes, he’s here.”

“Is that…” he whispered, swallowing his words. Gods, he could barely speak. “Is that her?”

“Yes,” she said, turning back to him, she retracted her hands and ran them across his shoulders and upper back comfortingly. She paused, listening to Leia, half a galaxy away. “She says she can feel you.”

He paused, and could faintly hear his mother’s slow heartbeat. He shivered. She was really there.

“I can feel her, too,” he finally said. Rey quietly relayed the message to Leia. Her hands settled on his shoulders, giving him a comforting squeeze. He turned to her. He felt the question on the tip of her tongue, to which he answered, “I’m ready.”

Maybe if he told himself that, then he would be.

She nodded, getting up from the bed.

“We’ll take it slow, okay?” she said as he too stood. Her eyes were hopeful but sad. He nodded. She gently took one of his large hands in hers, slowly removing the leather glove, letting it fall to the floor. Then the other. Her fingertips danced across his skin before their hands became one. Before their souls became one.

Ben was pulled thousands of lightyears away, the Force rippling around him as his surroundings changed. Gone were the polished black walls of his quarters, replaced by icy white ones. He inhaled sharply as his body settled into the light dusting of snow on the ground, tracked in by people’s feet. Where his bed once was, there was now an empty gurney, which he assumed was where Rey had been sitting before and during their connection. He could see medical equipment, a sick bay. The machines were a little outdated, but better than nothing. They beeped softly. He was almost relieved to see that functional life support was available.

But that could not calm his storming spirit.

Rey looked behind him, at that same point she had earlier. She turned back to him, her eyes lighter.

“I think she can see you,” she whispered, tightening her grip on his hand. She gave the smallest smile. “It worked.”

He nodded. He felt numb.

“She’s behind you. Just...turn around when you’re ready.” He nodded again, this time almost invisibly. He inhaled the cold air, trying to steady his shaking breaths. Gods, there was so much.

He could feel his mother’s eyes on his back. He squeezed his eyes shut, breathing heavily. He opened them as he turned around, and Rey turned with him.

What he saw would be burned into his mind for eternity, he was sure. Leia, dressed in a white gown, on the cot, several tubes around her, some inside her skin. 

Their eyes locked.  _ Her hair _ was almost completely gray,  _ her skin _ crinkled by smiles and frowns he hadn’t seen, and  _ her face _ was pale. But  _ her eyes _ . They were glistening and shining with something so beautiful. His heart seemed to break a little more.

“Ben,” she breathed. He swallowed. Even her voice had aged. It had grown hoarse, deeper in tone, but still  _ her voice _ . She reached a bony hand out to him. He couldn't help but fall at her bedside, clasping it desperately. Rey followed, resting a hand on his shoulder. On his knees, he wept in front of them. He felt her tears as well. With another hand, she smoothed his hair in that one way she knew he liked. “Ben, my beautiful Ben.” She was crying. His head shot up to look at her, closer this time.

“Mama,” he choked, holding her hand tighter. “I’m so sorry…” Leia stopped stroking his hair, instead tracing her fingertips across the scar bisecting his face, wearing a mournful expression. She wiped away his tears as he leaned into her hand, closing his eyes.

She was cold.

“You’ve grown so handsome,” she said as he looked back at her. Her fingers traced his features, as if she had never seen them before. In a way, she hadn’t. Not really. The last time they were face to face, he was only fifteen. But now, no longer a child, and almost a man, they were reunited. “You look so much like him…”

_ Han. _

“I’m so sorry,” he said again, his quiet sobs wracking his chest. “For everything. I’ve done such terrible things.” They both paused, a heavy silence in the air. 

“I think I speak for both Rey and myself when I say that I forgive you,” she said, stilling her hand on his cheek. His expression twisted as his soul felt as if it had faltered.

“How?” he asked. Every second of this felt as if it were tearing him apart before stitching him back together. Again. And again. “How could you ever forgive me? I...I don’t deserve it.”

“My sweet boy,” she said softly, her eyes as soft as her voice. “Forgiveness isn't about whether you deserve it or not. It’s about second chances. About needing forgiveness, not deserving it.”

He kneeled a little taller at her words, but his expression showed anything but pride. He rested his head on her lap as he squeezed Rey’s hand in his. He felt her shudder with her own tears. He looked at her, and saw the smallest, softest smile. His heart lurched.

“Thank you,” he whispered, turning back to Leia, who had once again begun to stroke his hair affectionately. “I wish I could go back, and change things.”

“Me too,” she replied, her weak voice trembling with regret. “I should have listened to you, Ben. I should have been there for you. I shouldn't have sent you away like that.” He swallowed. “I wish I could have helped Luke, too. Maybe then he wouldn't have…”

“Did Rey tell you?” he asked.

“She did,” she said, looking at Rey. “She told me a lot of things. And I am very grateful for that.” She gave a knowing smile to Rey before she continued. “Which reminds me, Mr. Solo, don’t you  _ ever _ let her go,” she said, her expression hardening, her eyes glittering. “She’s a keeper.”

“Yes, she is,” he chuckled. He saw her expression somehow harden even more yet soften at seeing the small smile play on his lips. He remembered that she always loved his smile. When she would come home from a stressful day of politics, him bounding up to her with that smile of his made her worries melt away. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” she said, her voice fading slightly. Her eyes dulled before she coughed into her hand, which she had pulled away from his hair. The coughing stopped as she looked at him. “I’m proud of you, Ben.”

Somehow that hit him the hardest. Her pride. She was  _ proud _ of him. His eyes welled with even more tears, which she wiped away with her thumb. He stood, and gently cupped the side of her worn face and pressed a kiss to her forehead as he thanked her. With that small piece of contact, she rushed through him in the Force and stars, he could feel everything. His hand on her cheek, the heaviness in her bones, the deep regret in her heart. And love. The strongest, purest love he could ever feel. He held her tighter as more tears slipped from his lashes. She held him in return.

  
  


-

  
  


Rey pulled up some chairs with the Force, and they all sat together for a while. Ben never let go of either of them. Two wonderfully strong women who he owed his life to. Leia, for bringing him into the world, and Rey, for bringing him back to it. They all just...talked.

He wished it could last forever, just the three of them.

But he could feel his mother fading. 

He squeezed her hand tighter. Her eyes met his once more.

“It’s time,” she said softly. They all paused, drinking in those simple words with a complex meaning. Ben’s face twisted in anguish before Leia’s hand settled on his cheek, stroking his tired skin. “It’s okay, Ben.”

“Please don’t go,” he choked, his voice breaking. “You’ll be okay. You’ll be there when I come back. Please...not now.” He was trying to convince himself as much as he was trying to convince her.

“I’m sorry,” Rey said next to him. She held his hand tighter. He was shaking. Leia was fading, and fading fast.

“I love you,” Leia whispered, her eyes full of tears. He pressed his forehead against hers, his breaths shaky. “Please remember that. I always have and I always will.”

“I love you, too,” he said between sobs. Gods, his heart felt as if it would stop, and be ripped from his chest. His world was shattering. He was helpless. “Mama…”

“I’ll see you again,” she whispered, her eyes becoming glazed. Her hand weakened in his. He held it frantically, grasping at her last strength. “I’ll always be with you...my sweet boy…”

Her eyes fluttered closed as she breathed for the last time. The beeping slowed. Then it stopped.

She was gone.

Rey held him as he screamed, his chest exploding with grief as tears ran down his face and neck. And Gods, his heart. His heart seemed missing, aching as it left him.

“Ben, I’m so sorry,” Rey cried, pulling him tighter against her. He balled his hands into fists in her tunic, grasping, holding, reaching for her. His salvation.

“No!” he screamed, his whole body wracked with violent sobs. He felt as if he could die from the pain alone, just let it wash over him and never return to the land of the living. Rey rocked them back and forth comfortingly. He buried his tear-streaked face in her neck. He felt the Force around him shatter and groan as Leia’s life ended. He felt Rey’s grief intertwine with his, a dark, cold sadness neither could keep away from. “It’s all my fault…”

“No, Ben,” she whispered. “It was her time.” Somehow his love and admiration for her doubled. Gods, she was so strong, so faithful. He fell deeper into her arms as Hoth faded from them. He then realized that Rey had been holding them there for hours, and the strain of maintaining the connection was visible.

“Thank you,” he whispered, pulling her down to the bed. He ripped off his tunic, as if that one layer stood between him and breathing normally again. “Thank you...I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t been there…”

“I think you do,” she replied, holding him close on the bed. They sank further into the mattress as a thought was shared through the bond. He would have destroyed himself. He would have stormed through the ship. He would have killed officers and stormtroopers. He would have drank until he collapsed. He would have screamed until he lost his voice. Maybe he would have fallen fully into the darkness.  _ Maybe he would have ended his life _ .

But no. He didn’t. This open wound closed others, soothed scars he had forgotten about. Because of Rey. Once again, she saved him.

They held each other all through the night. Neither could find real rest.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after and more emotional SMUT

Ben was surprised to see that he wasn’t in the med bay when he awoke. His whole body was screaming in an aching pain, and his mind felt numb. Maybe he was dying. Maybe Hux had found him in the morning unconscious, or unbreathing. That he begrudgingly dragged his ass towards medical attention, cursing under his breath. It was an almost comforting thought. That he was dying.

More comfortable than the truth.

His mother was  _ dead. _

He rolled over with a howl, gripping his tear-stained sheets and staining them even more.

_ It hurts. _

But then he felt a hand on his bare back, a pair of lips pressed against his neck. The pain ebbed away at her soft touch. Rey pressed sweet kisses on his burning skin as she wrapped her arms around him. Stars, he never wanted to leave her embrace.

He turned around in her arms, frantically pressing his face into her neck. He took in great gulps of air as they shuddered together. He pulled away, wanting to see her face.

She looked so  _ tired _ . The dark circles under her eyes rivalled his own, and the expression in them mirrored his very soul.

“Thank you for staying,” he whispered, stroking her face with a shaking hand. She steadied it with her own, leaning into his touch.

“Thank you for letting me stay,” she replied, her voice breaking. He could see the anguish glinting in her eyes. Then she kissed him with every ounce of her being. Her tongue invaded his mouth deliciously, and he bit back a groan as she shifted so that she was on top of him. Her core brushed his, and the friction made him harden. He gripped her hips in his strong hands. He felt her desperation through the bond, searching for something to ease the pain. A desperation he shared.

A distraction.

_ And what a distraction it was. _

“Rey,” he moaned as she sat back and pulled her shirt over her head. He pulled her roughly against him, her pert breasts pressed against his chest. “Oh, Gods,” he said between fervent kisses. She kissed her way down his throat, sucking at his pulse point. He couldn’t help but squirm as his blood heated. 

“Please,” she panted against his skin. Begging. He hardened even more.

“Are you sure?” he asked as she continued to kiss her way down his throat, to his collarbones. She stopped. Looking up, she nodded.

She needed this.

_ They both needed this. _

Something beautiful in the face of grief. A taunt to the universe.  _ Look at us. Look at this gorgeous thing you can’t destroy. _

A growl rumbled deep in Ben’s chest as he flipped them over suddenly, and roughly ground his hips into hers. A spike of pleasure pulsed across the bond. They both felt nothing but heat and sharp waves of pure feeling. They gasped against each other as they practically tore off their remaining clothing, leaving them bare and wanting. He gently pulled Rey’s head away by her hair, breaking their messy kiss. The roughness melted away. The desperation remained, but now syrupy, dripping across their skin. They were panting hard. They stared into each other’s eyes. Chocolate met hazel. Their pupils rivaled star systems in their vastness. Their fingers clenched around each other, pressed into the mattress. He kissed over her heart before he slowly entered her.

“Oh, Ben…” she sighed as his achingly hard member was swallowed by her wet, soft heat. They both shuddered as he was fully seated inside her. 

_ They felt complete. _

Slowly, they began to move in lazy strokes. The gentle thrusting of hips and the soft sounds of flesh meeting flesh filled the room. Breathing softly, they fell deeper into each other’s souls.

He changed the angle of his hips, brushing against the sensitive spot within her folds. She sighed as her face relaxed, and he could feel the pleasure through their bond. Just the feeling of her, feeling nothing but her around him was enough that he could die a happy man, right there. 

She shifted her hips, wrapping her golden legs around him. Now was his turn to sigh and shiver. Stars, she was amazing. Everything about her. He pressed his lips against hers, slowly kissing her with every atom of his existence. Across the bond, he pushed his devotion towards her. She mirrored him.

“I love you,” she whispered. “I will never leave you.”

“I love you,” he echoed. “I will always be with you.”

They kissed once more as they slowly made love in the wake of tragedy. Slowly, inch by inch, their peaks approached like an old friend. Ben fought the urge to speed up, strengthen his thrusts. But no. He wanted this to last. He wanted to drink up every second of this. Rey took her hands out of his and wrapped them around him, holding him tight. He too held her, stroking her appreciatively.

The waves of pleasure steadily grew, until they were both whimpering, heads buried in each other’s necks. They gently clawed at each other, hands stroking, exploring their skin. Then, just on the edge of their climax, they felt something new.

_ Home. _

They fell over the edge as one, blood rushing in their ears as they were blinded by each other. They emptied themselves in each other as their cores melded into one fluttering being. They stilled as they basked in the afterglow. They remained connected for some time.

_ Reassurance. _

“I love you,” he said again, looking into her sparkling eyes. “I think I always have. From the moment I first saw you. I knew that I needed you like air.”

She smiled as she kissed him.

“I wish I could say that I loved you from the beginning,” she whispered, her eyes full of regret. She made his heart ache. “But there was always something there. I started to realize it on Ahch-To, and fully realized it when we first touched.” She lifted her hand to tenderly intertwine with his, their fingertips tracing across their skin. “But it feels like I’ve always loved you.”

They kissed each other lazily as they settled into their mussed sheets. He regretfully pulled out of her, already missing her welcoming heat. He felt her rub her thighs together, her core feeling empty. He pulled her flush against him, trying to ease the ache. They laid in silence for a moment, before Rey chimed in.

“Would now be a good time to plan?” she asked hesitantly. “It would give us something to do...and I know we could use a distraction.” He hummed in agreement, pressing a kiss into her hair.

“I’ve started recruiting officers,” he said against her skin. “Just the early stages, and I’ve made some changes to the Order that I’ve wanted to do for a while now. Not only does it actually help things, but it irritates the hell out of Hux.” He suppressed a smile, imaging the General with his face as red as his hair. “But I can feel the tension rising...a coup is coming. And soon. Within a few weeks, I would guess. We’ll probably need Resistance fighters and ground forces to help dissolve the Order.”

He felt her smile against him.

_ What? _ he thought.

“You said  _ we _ ,” she said quietly, her shimmering eyes meeting his. “I like  _ we _ .”

“Me too.” She paused.

“I’ll need to tell the others...I’m not sure they’ll buy into it…” she said quietly. He could see that her mind was running a lightyear a minute, and faces of her friends’ faces twisted in anger flashed in front of her eyes. It made his heart lurch. He knew that there were other people in her life other than him...and he shouldn’t feel jealous. But he does. She heard his thoughts. “They’re just my friends. Nothing more,” she said, pressing a small kiss to his lips.

“Even the traitor?” he grumbled, holding her tighter.

“Yes, even  _ Finn _ . And don’t forget you’re a traitor now, too.” She was smirking at him. He’d never seen her smirk. He paused to appreciate it and she giggled when she noticed.

“I guess I am,” he said quietly. He couldn’t feel any remorse for it, though. He had despised the First Order from day one, and had only been there for Snoke. But now that was over. She rested her head on his chest and listened to him breathe.

“Thank you, Ben,” she whispered. He stilled at her words. “Thank you for doing this. I know it must be hard. To turn away from what you know.”

“Thank you for helping me see that it was time to turn away,” he replied. A weight seemed to resettle on his chest, a heavy remorse. He sighed, turning into her neck. “If this world, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to live with myself.” He didn’t know what he was saying. It felt like it needed to be said.

“I’ll help you,” she echoed her words from the elevator. It seemed as if it were a lifetime ago. “I will always help you.”

“Always?” His voice was trembling against his will. They had said such devotional words to each other, but he was unsure as to whether they were said in the heat of the moment or not.

“Always,” she answered, stroking away the tears he hadn’t noticed fall. He shuddered at the thought, of her with him always. He knew if he asked her and they didn’t make it through this, he wouldn’t survive. Those were words for another day, another life. “I need to go,” she whispered.

He pulled her closer and held back a sob. It was too soon, he couldn’t bear the thought of being alone, especially after last night.

“Please stay,” he choked, tears now running freely down his cheeks. “Please…”

“I’m sorry,” she said, pressing kisses to his tears and stroking his face. “I’ll see you tonight. Just hold on until tonight.”

His arms were empty in an instant. The Force snapped like a string. 

She was gone.


	10. Chapter 10

He refused to leave his quarters. He received ping after ping from General Hux, breaking the silence as Ben grieved. Finally, after hours of his incessant nagging, the door chimed.

He groaned as he stood from his bed, throwing on a simple shirt before answering it. He knew who it was before he opened the door.

“Hux,” he said hoarsely, bracing himself on the doorframe. The ginger general had a look on his face that screamed smugness. Ben scowled in return. “What do you want?”

“I have excellent news, _sir_ ,” he drawled bitterly, pulling a datapad from a coat pocket. “It seems that General Organa is dead.”

“I am aware,” Ben replied slowly, managing his expression carefully.

“I thought that you would be pleased, Supreme Leader. Now that that _bitch_ is out of the way-” he couldn’t get another word out before Kylo was upon him, smashing his pallid face into the duraglass floor. Blood immediately burst from Hux’s skin as his nose snapped like a twig.

“She was my mother!” Ren roared as he threw punch after punch, hitting him in the gut, in the jaw, across his eye. After an especially gruesome hit, Hux was out cold. Gods, he wished he could have held back just a little bit, to draw out giving Hux the pain he so desperately deserved.

Kylo dragged Hux’s unconscious body all the way to the brig, throwing the General towards the stormtroopers on duty. Hux landed on the floor with a dull thump.

“I want him locked up here for two nights,” he said pointedly. “And then suspension and surveillance for two weeks.” The troopers saluted before heaving the General into a cold, empty cell. The Supreme Leader turned on his heels and stormed out of the room.

The halls were quiet save for the padding of his bare feet on the polished floors. He no doubt looked like a strange force to be reckoned with, barefoot, in sleeping pants and a casual shirt, covered in blood.

Retiring back to his quarters, he stripped and tossed his clothes into the laundry chute. He scrubbed out the blood from underneath the shower spray. He wanted every cell of that disgusting man off of him.

His fingernails began to bleed from friction.

 

* * *

 

_It was a quiet day. The sky was a grayish-blue, with a light dusting of fog rolling in from a faraway coast. The academy was basking in the early morning silence as the young Jedi began to stir._

_Ben Solo was restless, sporting the marks of a bad night’s sleep underneath his dark eyes. He had already been awake for hours, looking out the window of his hut across the rocky, vegetated landscape._

_A soft knock at his door, no doubt Luke making his rounds, making sure everyone was getting up. He sighed as he set his head on his knees, which  were tucked against his sore chest. He felt as if he had aged decades during his time at his uncle’s academy, a heavy exhaustion in his bones. Force, he was only 22._

_And then there was the voice. Not the voice of a peer, or his Uncle. A familiar stranger’s voice. Low, gravely, dark. A cold presence stalked his mind, followed his every move, for as long as he could remember. Surely Luke knew about it. Surely he would help him with it._

_Or was this normal? Was it simply the dark side of the Force’s temptations? Did everyone hear this voice?_

_The day passed in a haze. Studying in the library, meditating, making modifications to his newly crafted lightsaber. The only place he ever really felt at home, other than with a heavy book in his lap, was fighting.Sparring, jumping, anything. He needed to_ **_move_ ** _._

_He and the rest of the students went through the grueling exercises. Fake saber duels, hand to hand combat, running laps, lifting heavy objects by hand or via the Force. Of course, he refrained from joining in on the battles, his heart constricting in shame as he remembered the last time._

_He had been too aggressive, as Luke had put it. His peer’s eyes were wide with fear as he involuntarily snarled and beared down on his crackling saber. He felt something inside him, something powerful well up, aching to be released. He had been left confused, dazed as to what he had done. The other student had earned a saber burn across his shoulder, eyes filled with pain._

_His Uncle had scolded him, told him not to use the dark side. He could only nod as he looked to the ground in an agonizing humiliation._

**_You’re better than this, Ben._ **

_“Ben?” Luke now called from across the clearing where they trained. The nephew slowly approached him and the group of students. They were lifting rocks. He almost scoffed. “Care to show how it’s done? The little ones are having a little trouble.”_

_His eyes landed on the group of younglings, aged anywhere between five and fourteen. He swallowed._

_“Are you sure, Master Skywalker?” he asked. The official title rolled off his tongue without a second thought. The eyes of the children turned towards Luke, widened in curiosity. He gave a small nod, and a weak smile broke out across his aging face._

_Steeling himself and widening his stance, Ben slowly reached out an arm, extending his hand towards a boulder. He closed his eyes in concentration._

_“He’s feeling the Force flow through both him and the rock,” he faintly heard Luke say to the watching children. “Now he’ll reach out and use the energy inside him and in the rock to lift it.”_

_He took a breath, tensing himself as he did as his Master said he would. It came easily, the link between him and the stone morphing into a taught thread. Tensing himself, he lifted the boulder as it shuddered. Slowly, the rock dug itself out of the earth, lifting up only inches, then a foot, then more._

_Inhaling sharply, Ben opened his eyes to see the boulder a couple yards in the air. There was silence before the children began to shout with glee. He couldn’t help but smile a bit at that. The smile turned into something of awe as he realized this was the biggest thing he had ever lifted. It rivalled an X-Wing in size._

_The children cheered for more._

**_More_ ** _, the voice inside him murmured. Then, something beyond his control twisted in him, his chest jolted as more strings, more threads were cast out, latching onto the other stones._ **_Yes_ ** _, it hissed. The rocks shuddered and joined the other in the air. Soon, the students were surrounded by a circle of floating stones. Their eyes were alight with wonder and…_

 **_More_ ** _, the voice demanded. He couldn’t move. His hand began to shake, his tendons bulging, muscles straining as his cursed body obeyed the voice. He felt it then. A dark, swirling power he had only seen glimpses of erupted from him. The air vibrated and the ground shook as he was helpless as the waves grew and grew._

_He was being pulled, pushed to drag up long forgotten stones from the soil, tree roots, sedimentary deposits, it all came lurching to the surface under his trembling arm._

_The stones began to crack in the air, sending shards below. He couldn’t hear anything but the roaring sound in his ears, he couldn't feel anything but the painful stretch of his body. Cold claws dug into his chest, seemingly pulling his thundering heart further and further away from him._

_His bones groaned under the stress, his cartilage creaking as the earth broke apart around him. Faintly, in the distance, undecipherable screaming, cries of terror. Through a whipping wind, he could barely hear Luke call his name._

_“Ben! You need to stop!”_

_“I...I can’t,” Ben managed to say, his blood screaming for this to end. He begged the Force, the powers of the universe to release him from this. The hold on his heart tightened and he couldn’t help but scream._

**_You’re mine_ ** _, the voice snapped._ **_You’re mine, my monster._ **

_“Ben, I’m sorry…”_

_The tension broke as his body crumbled to the ground with a crunch, his sternum fracturing under an unknown force. He knew only darkness and silence._

  
  
  


Kylo Ren jolted awake, his heart pounding as a cold sweat slicked his skin. His fingers scrambled at the skin of his chest, frantically trying to feel his broken bone. All he could feel was the faint ridge of a healed break. His lungs heaved in relief. But the shaking, encompassing darkness he had felt that day so long ago remained.

He threw the covers off himself, swinging his legs over the bed to rest his head in his hands. He scrubbed away the tears he couldn’t prevent from falling. He took in shuddering breaths, desperate for his body to calm.

The recycled air of the Finalizer was frigid, and a shiver ran up Kylo’s spine. But it wasn’t right. This wasn’t a shiver of cold. It was something else.

Next thing he knew, a warm hand was pressed against his bare back. He froze, and swallowed.

“Ben,” Rey whispered behind him. “Ben.”

He sighed, and let himself melt against her. She felt him lean into her touch.

“I’m here,” she whispered. “You’re not alone. I’m right here.”

He couldn’t help but soften in every sense against her touch and her words. She could disarm him with just a thought. He should have thought she was dangerous. But stars, she was here, touching him...telling him…

He wasn’t Kylo Ren anymore. He wasn’t the Supreme Leader anymore. With her, he was Ben Solo again. How could he have forgotten? She had peeled back later after layer of pain and anger, and found his core of loneliness and sorrow.

He trembled against her as another hand joined hers on his back, tracing the lax muscles. They settled in his shoulders, lightly pressing for him to lie back down.

He could never refuse her. Slowly, he maneuvered himself under the dark sheets, on his side. Ben stared in wonder at the sight before him. He had seen it dozens of times, but it never ceased to amaze him. Rey was in his bed, looking as if it were the only place she was meant to be.

She leaned forwards, pressing herself against his wide chest. Her cheek rested on his now burning skin. She pressed small kisses into him. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her even closer.

“What happened?” she asked softly. “Your dream…”

“Snoke,” he said with a strained voice. He stroked her hair. “He was testing me out. Seeing what I could do.” He swallowed.

Her hands found the slightly raised bone of his once broken sternum. She pressed a kiss to it. His eyes fluttered closed. Her hands stroked across his skin, sending waves of calm through him.

“I’m so sorry, Ben,” she whispered. “I’ll never let anyone hurt you.”

 

**“I’ll never let anyone hurt you. Mama will protect you.”**

 

“I’m not sure you can do that,” he replied. “I always seem to end up hurting myself in the end.” His eyes opened, moistened by tears. The memories kept coming.

 

**“You’re safe, Ben. I’m here. Mama’s here,” Leia cooed, stroking his small back. He sniffed and sobbed into her shoulder as she carried him back to his room. She had been awoken in the middle of the night by her son, barely two years old, standing in the doorway with tears in his eyes.**

**But this wasn’t his normal crying, the way he cried in the daylight. This wasn’t for attention, or for something he wanted, like so many other children. This was a genuine fear. He couldn’t stop his tears.**

**Another nightmare. She had scooped him up without hesitation, letting him cry into her nightshirt. He scrubbed at his eyes hard enough to hurt as he shuddered against his mother. She felt exhaustion and terror roll off of his small, bright Force signature in tidal waves.**

**Swaying on her feet, she pressed kissed into his hair. He almost always needed to be rocked to calm down. It was like a dance, one for mother and son. A dance of comfort, security.**

**It took him longer than normal to come back down. This was different. She couldn’t help but worry over her son. And the worst part? She had no idea how to help him other than to be there as much as she could.**

**The scrubbing of his eyes softened into rubbing of exhaustion. He yawned into her now soaked shirt as he wrapped his arms around her neck. Leia had to blink back tears of her own at his open gesture.**

**She nuzzled him one last time before putting him back to bed. She gently tucked his half-asleep form back under his covers. She placed his Tooka doll in his arms, which tightened around it.**

**She kneeled beside him, stroking his soft dark hair in the deep blue of Chandrilan night.**

**“I love you, Ben,” she whispered, pressing a kiss to his forehead. Leia left the room to return to rest. She spared a final glance at her son before the doorway was empty.**

**The nightmares returned.**

 

“Then I won’t let you,” she said, her voice growing strong. She stroked his cheek. “I won’t let you hurt yourself. I’ll be here for you.” He inhaled sharply, clutching her to his chest as memories washed through him.

 

**“Ben! Ben, what are you doing?!” His mother rushed to his side, trying to pull the shaking blade from his grip.**

**“It’s too much,” he cried out, pressing the knife deeper into his skin. She had found him kneeling on the refresher floor, his arm soaked in blood as he cut through himself. The voice, Force, the voice, it just wouldn’t stop.**

**“Ben, no!” Leia yanked his hand way in a surprisingly strong grip. His adolescent arm shot out to retrieve it, but he couldn’t reach. Muscles weakened by blood loss, he collapsed against her. “I’m here,” she said, throwing the blade away as she wrapped her arms around him. “I’m here. Please stop.”**

**“I’m so sorry,” Ben sobbed into her shoulder. “I want this to end. Please don’t leave me again.”**

**They both knew she couldn’t promise that.**

 

“Ben,” Rey sobbed, burying her face in his warm chest. “I’m so sorry,” she said hoarsely. The tears finally spilled over his lashes as he clutched her close. He was shaking.

Gods, he needed her.

He pulled her by her cheeks towards him, locking his mouth with hers. He was desperate for anything to ease the pain. Her fingertips traced the scars on his inner arms and he shivered. Breathing heavily, they kissed passionately, their saliva and tears mingling on their lips.

“Don’t leave me,” he whispered, pulling away. His tear filled eyes met hers. He swallowed. “I can’t live without you,” he said, letting his sweat-slicked forehead meet hers.

“I’m never leaving you, Ben,” Rey replied with conviction and a searing kiss. He held her as if he would never have the chance again.


End file.
